Nobody likes a North London Derby loss, but that’s what we got on Wednesday. (Also — a NLD on a Wednesday? That blows. Who schedules these things?) Tottenham Hotspur went to the Emirates, a place where they haven’t won in the league since 2010, and came home empty handed once again. Son Heung-Min put Spurs ahead with a deflected shot, but Spurs conceded two goals in four minutes, one of which came on the back of a blown out-of-bounds call, and the other from a stupid giveaway in midfield.
We’re all mad about it, and it’s fine because it sucks to lose to Arsenal in any circumstance, but I’m not sure it moves the needle one way or another on the season as a whole. Arsenal are, quite frankly, just flat-out better than Spurs this season and it’s okay to admit it. But yeah, it blows.
Today’s theme is one I’ve been working on for a while. I’ve been somewhat fascinated by the music that content creators select for the backgrounds of football highlight videos since I’ve started as a fan. I’ll be honest and say that the people making highlight videos generally have a pretty shitty taste in music, so a lot of times the videos are better on mute. But every so often you get someone who bucks the trend and starts something that is pretty both on the eyes and the ears. The problem is actually FINDING these videos.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for the North London Derby to the theme of music in the background of football highlights videos.
5 stars: Florence vs the Machine
Yeah, I’m biased. But I mean, nothing will ever top this. The best synergy between song and content I’ve ever seen. I’m not even a Florence vs. the Machine fan, but every time I watch this video I want to run through a brick wall. If you haven’t watched this video from the 2009-10 Champions League qualifying season, you need to.
No Tottenham players in this category.
4 stars: Chillhop/Lofi
If you’re making a football highlights video you want something that’s interesting but not obnoxious. I think chillhop/lofi beats are about the ideal genre.
No Tottenham players in this category.
3.5 stars: Classical music
I’m a professional musician and have my biases, but even so pairing Lionel Messi dribbling videos with Antonin Vivaldi’s “Summer” concerto is a pretty good fit. Putting together two virtuosi — Messi and Vivaldi — just works.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): Continues to improve with each match. If there’s one positive from this season’s injury crisis it’s that Spurs’ young players are getting match minutes desperately needed to acclimate them to Premier League football. This will pay dividends.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.5): God, this kid just is unflappable. Is he… just a central defender now? His composure on the ball is impressive for a kid his age. He’s going to end up being a Swiss army knife for Spurs.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.5): Mostly kept Raheem Sterling contained, and looked like one of Tottenham’s brightest players on the day. I wish he’d have gotten forward a little more, but I suspect that was coaching.
3 stars: Prog rock ‘90s post-grunge
Look, Creed’s not really my thing, but they’re at least a popular band. Could be worse? Yes, it absolutely could be worse. See below.
Antonin Kinsky (Community — 2.5): For the first time we maybe saw a glimpse of the flaws in Kinsky’s game. Was caught out of position for Arsenal’s second goal (though it took a wicked skip just in front of him). Dealt with Arsenal’s press well, passed pretty well, but maybe he was caught a bit off guard by the moment at times.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 2.5): He was okay, but you could tell that Arsenal were really trying to key in on him, especially in the press. Involved in Arsenal’s equalizing goal but not a ton he could do about it. His lack of comfort with the ball at his feet really hampers Spurs’ buildup.
James Maddison (Community — 2.5): Was immediately one of Tottenham’s key players when he came on at halftime, but much of the stuff he was trying didn’t come off. That said, I thought he was okay.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): Maybe got the lineup wrong this time, but credit for making significant adjustments at halftime to at least try stuff.
2.5 stars: Movie soundtracks
This is a wide genre that could be good and could be bad depending on which direction you take it. In this case, I would not recommend setting a highlights video to the soundtrack of “Requiem for a Dream,” a movie about teenage drug addicts that ends with one character driven to abusive sex work, another catatonic, and another suffering a limb amputation.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.5): Not one of his better matches, especially on the defensive end where he was given a torrid time by Odegaard. But, it should be noted that he looks absolutely exhausted, and for good reason. Hopefully gets rested for Everton.
Pape Sarr (Community — 2.5): You’d have thought this would have been a good matchup for him, but he was pretty ineffective. Subbed off at halftime.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): We needed Deki at his best. He… was not. I think that has a lot to do with Arsenal’s defense, but also the guy needs a rest.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): OK, yes he scored, but that’s about the sum of his contributions in this one. I feel for him. I like him a lot. I think he’s exhausted and is at least temporarily cooked.
2 stars: Forgettable R&B music
I would hazard a guess to say that this genre makes up about 75-80% of all football highlight videos, and of those almost all of them invariably suck.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.0): Put in some tackles, but his decision to try and dribble two Arsenal players directly led to Trossard’s go-ahead goal. Hooked at halftime, which says a lot.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): This was not a good game for him due to Arsenal’s bunkered defense, so he never really had a chance. Infuriating, however, to see him mostly jogging around the pitch in the second half.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 2.5): A real off game for him. No, he wasn’t getting much service from the midfield or the wingers, but he also struggled to hold on to the ball and his hold-up play, one of his strengths, was practically non-existent.
1 star: Dubstep
chunk-chunk-chunk-chunk-chunk-chunk SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE womp-womp-womp-womp-waaaaaaaaaaaaa *feedback noise*
No Tottenham players were as bad as the ubiquitous highlight videos set to bad dubstep music.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Richarlison (though I thought he was pretty ok)
