Dispatches from Bat Country: August 2024 – Edition 3, Batiator

We’re about to head into the penultimate week of the transfer window, but as a member of the commentariat so wisely pointed out last week: Bat Country is forever. Eternal. Omnipresent. The rumors will continue after you and I are gone, and even the inevitable heat death of the universe cannot stop the craziest of transfer links from propagating through the blogosphere.

Here we cover all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like… the Spurs front office actually understanding all the rules around our squad construction (seriously, do you guys remember the Matt Doherty fiasco?).

Check out some of the previous editions here, as well as Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece that was the genesis of this series here.

Andre Almeida

• Portuguese midfielder at Valencia; pretty young too, at 24
• Weirdly, for some reason Fbref have him on the forwards template, which does seem strange – possibly because Valencia played him at striker out of the blue in their first match of the season
• That makes it a touch harder to get an idea of his playstyle, but before you ask: no, he’s not a 6
• He’s more of an attack minded 8, with decent ability on the ball, both in terms of dribbling
• That sounds reasonably attractive, but that’s where the fit with Ange-ball ends: his impact to the final third is very low, which makes it all the weirder that he played striker yesterday
• So this one’s a stretch: It all started with HITC (formerly known as Here Is The City), who were an outlet was basically a collection of bloggers that anybody could right for; kind of like Forbes now. I have no idea as to whether they are still like this, but I haven’t seen any level of accurate reporting from them
• They published a piece saying Wolves were interested, something they got from Graeme Bailey, with Newcastle and Aston Villa also keen
• They then separately wrote that they “understand” Spurs have watched Almeida over the last 12 months. That’s it. That’s the link.

Guano Meter: 5/5 – There is absolutely nothing concrete here.

Fabian Ruiz

• Another midfielder, this time a 28-year-old at PSG
• He was also in the Euro-winning Spanish squad – so I’m sure that’ll push his price right up!
• This isn’t just a one-off tournament performance though; the dude is decent
• He covers ground, he gets forward, his passing is excellent, and unlike Almeida above, he has an impact on the final third
• Hey, wait a minute:

• Most interesting. And he could arguably cover both the #6 and the #8. Unfortunately, he’s also 28, as I already mentioned
• This one comes from Fichajes, a Spanish outlet, who have said Spurs are locked in a “fierce battle” with Atletico Madrid and Real Betis to secure Ruiz’s signature; the links have also been affirmed by ITK, if that means anything
• I dunno guys, that collection of three teams sounds mighty like an agent trying to secure his client a higher paying contract after a successful international tournament

Guano Meter: 5/5 – Just not enough smoke here.

Matt O’Riley

• Let’s keep the midfielder theme going, this time with a player from Ange’s old stomping ground: Celtic
• O’Riley is again a player who is probably a better fit as an #8, but could potentially deputize at the #6 as well
• There’s honestly a lot to like here, and a lot that’s strange as well (Fbref without context klaxon):

• Look, those are Scottish league numbers, so there’s risk here for sure – but he’s familiar with Ange’s system and could be a good fit
• This one actually came from ITK originally – but Paul O’Keefe then confirmed the links were real… at least somewhat
• Apparently, he was offered to us, but we’re not fully convinced – seems like the club also sees the risk here?

Guano Meter: 4/5 – Would be an intriguing option. Unlikely to happen.

James Garner

• Moving on to another position nowHAHAHAHA just kidding, it’s another central midfielder
• Garner, though, is less attack the box and more attack the legs, being a bit more of a classic midfield destroyer
• He hasn’t always been that way though, scoring goals at youth level where he came through Manchester United’s system; at Everton, his current club, he’s struggled to have that kind of attacking impact and has played in deeper roles
• I dunno about this one; sure, he’s young, but he just doesn’t seem that… good? If we’re looking for a #6, he just doesn’t seem that appealing
• This one is a purely ITK link – with no follow up by actual sources, so… yep, make of that what you will

Guano Meter: 5/5 – Is it time to break out the ITK chant again?

Issa Kabore

• We know Spurs have been hoarding forwards at youth level; it appears they’ve found a new strategy for the senior team: buy ALL the right backs
• Yep, that’s where Kabore plays (or rather doesn’t) for Manchester City, where he’s actually never made a senior appearance
• He did make plenty though for Luton Town, where he spent the 23/24 season on loan
• He loves to drive forward with the ball, but that doesn’t stop him from being involved defensively
• His passing numbers, though… yeesh
• And do Spurs really need ANOTHER option on the right, with Pedro Porro, Djed Spence, and Archie Gray all options there?
• The one came from TBR Football, who… wait, who? Fabrizio Romano did however lend his voice to this one
• Alasdair Gold then said Spurs weren’t interested, which to me indicates… agents?

Guano Meter: 4/5 – And we would have got away with it as well, if wasn’t for those meddling agents! I am though knocking off a point for Fab (even though at this point he’s pretty much proved he’ll say whatever an agent wants him to).

Joachim Andersen

• And now we move to center back, which is where Andersen has played for Crystal Palace the last few years
• The Danish international has been pretty good for the London side, where he started every match for the Eagles in 23/24 – so why would they sell him?
• In terms of ability, Andersen is very comfortable on the ball and has a good passing range, plus isn’t too bad in the air
• The con? He has the turning radius of an aircraft carrier. Dude is slow, which probably wouldn’t fly under Ange Postecoglou
• Besides – do Spurs really need another pure center back? All the reporting is saying that the only defensive option we’d look at would be a possible LB/LCB hybrid type; our CB minutes are pretty well covered
• Like I said above, I’m sure Palace would be keen to hold onto Andersen, but he might want one last big paycheck – he is 28 – and all the reporting is saying Fulham are the frontrunners
• Of course, that’s apart from CaughtOffside, who quite recently said Spurs are “eyeing a move”. Quite concrete, if you ask me

Guano Meter: 5/5 – As concrete as wet cement, anyway.

That’s it for this installment. Silly season is nearly at an end… but you’ll always be welcome in Bat Country.