Well, that was extremely not fun. Tottenham Hotspur hosted Wolves on Saturday and put together a real frustrating match, conceding twice and failing to put together a coherent-looking offense for much of the match in a 2-1 defeat. It was a deeply disheartening performance, made all the more annoying by increased background whispers of “ange out” from certain corners of the online fanbase. It’s not helped by the fact that we now have two weeks until our next match.
Such exhortations are of course ludicrous at this stage. What good is a complete overhaul and rebuild if you abandon it eight months into the project? But it is true that Spurs have been underachieving compared to expectations, especially now that they are (mostly) healthy. I’m not saying that people should be happy about losing twice to Wolves this season, but the path to the stars lies along a rocky road — ad astra per aspera.
Now onto the theme. Someone recommended this theme in the comments of a recent article. I do not remember who, but whoever it was you have my thanks because after a stinker of a match like this one, it’s good to laugh at something else. Or at least groan? Sometimes a theme comes along that you’re just born to, that fits your personality like a glove. This is one of those.
Some of you are going to yell at me for this. You cannot hurt me. Galvanized by the scorn of raising two children through adolescence, I am impervious to your barbs. Dad jokes are forever, and if you’re young enough to disagree with me — oh buddy, just you wait. You will join me eventually.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their match against Wolves to the theme of Dad Jokes. These can be Mom Jokes too, go with your bad self. Sorry, and also extremely not sorry.
5 stars: What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.
There are no Tottenham Hotspur players in this category.
4.5 stars: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You’d think it’d be Rrrrrrrr but it’s actually the C!
There are no Tottenham Hotspur players in this category either, alas.
4 stars: What do you call a fish with a bow tie?
Sofishticated.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): You can be upset at a lot of Spurs players in that match. Elmo isn’t one of them. He made a couple of fantastic stops (his best was actually a chance ruled offside) and wasn’t at fault for either of Wolves’ goals. I thought he did very, very well.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): Micky looked at times to be a one-man defensive line, using his pace to get across to make vital tackles and blocks. Even had a few good defensive headers! Solid match.
3.5 stars: I told one of these jokes in a Zoom meeting yesterday.
It turns out, I’m not remotely funny.
Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): No, he’s not Destiny Udogie. He doesn’t provide the same sort of dynamism on both sides of the ball. But Ben was hardly the problem against Wolves on Saturday and in fact was among Tottenham’s better performers on the day. We’ve seen him come into this situation before and do well, it shouldn’t be a surprise. Wish he had nailed that late header, though.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.5): One of Spurs’ better offensive sparks in this match, and his goal was pretty dang cool. Still seems to struggle more when moved centrally.
3 stars: Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
He wanted to get a loooooong little doggie.
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): No issues with Cuti after this one.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.5): People are going to be (rightfully) upset at him for giving the ball away on the corner that led to Wolves’ second goal but while he still is shaking off a little rust I thought he did a solid enough job defensively and shielding the back line.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 3.0): IDK, wasn’t very influential but wasn’t poor or actively harmful in anything. 3 stars feels right.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): I think it’s easy to forget sometimes that Tottenham under Ange over-performed to expectations early in the season. He’s warned us that matches like this will happen and that it’s not going to change his approach. We’ll have to ride the wave a bit until down the road when he gets the squad to where it needs to be, THEN we get to judge whether Ange-Ball works in the Premier League.
2.5 stars: I have the worst thesaurus in the world.
It’s terrible. It’s also TERRIBLE. (This joke is dedicated to my nephew Lucas, as it’s his favorite joke of all time.)
James Maddison (Community — 2.5): We need him in there for whatever creativity he can bring but this was not one of his better matches. Well under par.
Richarlison (Community — 2.5): Part of his ineffectiveness was Tottenham not getting him the ball, but also he was just not as impactful in any area of his match — press, hold-up, chance creation.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): A match to forget for Sonny. Virtually marked out of the match, which says about as much about Wolves as it does about Son.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): Brought on to run against tired legs, but that’s not very effective when your opponent is playing peak Mourinho-ball.
Timo Werner (Community — 2.5): Was hoping that Timo might help unpick that late lock. SPOILER: he didn’t.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.5): Not an influential game-changing performance, but also done in difficult circumstances. Tough one to rate.
2 stars: What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Emerson Royal (Community — 2.0): OK look, as late as midway through the second half I thought Emerson wasn’t playing THAT bad. Some good defensive stops here and there, etc. But he looked lost in possession, made a ton of little mistakes especially late, and doesn’t really seem to be a good fit for the inverted FB role on the right. It was a bad game. I still think he’s a quality backup, so long as he’s happy to serve in that role.
1 star: This entire video
This is both peak dad joke and also the nadir of the entire genre. It’s perfect. It’s awful. I love hate love it
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as this Tik Tok.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Giovani Lo Celso