It all started, as so often happens, with a conversation with former contributor The Sleeper’s Sleep in Carty Free’s Slack channel. He was openly wondering about a very important question, which he posted in the chat — For how long was the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs visible in the sky before impact? The answer, perhaps unsurprisingly, was “not very long.”
But that sent us down a deep rabbit hole about dinosaurs and stargazing. Even if the dinosaurs could see the asteroid before impact, would they have noticed? Do dinosaurs even look up? The Vincent D’Onofrio Pigs Tweet was mentioned. We had a long discussion about dinosaur stargazing habits. Could they create constellations, and what would dinosaur constellations look like? Keep in mind, these are giant lizards that have brains the size of a walnut.
This is a stupid and deeply weird thing to base a player ratings theme on, but on the other hand you should be used to this by now — we rated Tottenham Hotspur players to werewolf height, for God’s sake, is this any less funny? Well, probably. But we’re doing it anyway.
Oh, and Tottenham Hotspur won a match. It was neat. Here are your Spurs player ratings for their 3-1 win over Crystal Palace to the theme of constellations as created by stargazing dinosaurs.
5 stars: Big white dot
4.5 stars: Multiple white dots
Micky van de Ven (Community — ): I got worried for Micky after he appeared to turn his ankle as he’s so pace dependent but he shrugged it off and put together a super solid defensive display. Contender for MOTM for me.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — ): If we judge managers on the things they can directly control — team setup, adjustments, substitutions — then there isn’t much more we could ask of Big Ange. You can maybe quibble about the starting lineup, but he got the tactics spot on, and his subs were impactful and timed perfectly.
Brennan Johnson (Community — ): Yes. See what you can do if you attack and beat your man, Brennan? Good awareness and skill created the first goal, and while the second ball to Son was a bit of a lucky deflection he was there to pressure the player and make the challenge. If this is what he can give us as a late game sub, he’s in the right role for right now.
4 stars: Multiple white dots (less of them)
Cuti Romero (Community — ): Huge header to score his fourth goal of the season. A couple of loose passes here and there but overall a towering defensive performance. Locked Mateta down completely (except for, y’know, that one time).
Yves Bissouma (Community — ): Much better from Yves. This was the dynamic deep lying midfielder that we saw early in the season.
James Maddison (Community — ): Better. That looping flick pass to Cuti was inspired (was it a designed play?) and while he still feels like he’s rounding back into form Spurs missed his creativity in the side.
Timo Werner (Community — ): You can ding him for not scoring when he rounded Johnstone (I maintain that was just an excellent save), but his movement continues to impress, he was in the right spot to score, and should’ve earned a penalty if the official wasn’t bad at his job. Very good match.
Son Heung-Min (Community — ): That goal was well taken and you always back him to score in those situations. It felt like a sub-par performance initially, but he played Timo into space for his big chance, smacked the post, and scored. I mean, that’s a good game so what do I know?
3.5 stars: What’s a line
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — ): Honestly apart from Eze’s free kick goal he didn’t have a whole lot to do. Shielded by the back line, a fairly easy night for ol’ Googly Elmo.
Emerson Royal (Community — ): You know who had a sneaky good match? Emerson Royal, that’s who. Made a couple of really solid defensive stops including on Mateta after getting past Cuti. Not especially great on the ball, but we knew that already. Had the throw-in that led to Cuti’s goal. Good match.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — ): Came in and put in an unflashy, solid, midfield-stabilizing performance in the second half. Solid work.
3 stars: Obscured by giant ferns
Destiny Udogie (Community — ): Didn’t seem to combine well with Werner in attack and looked like he was shaking off some rust. A decent performance, but not one of his better ones.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — ): Seemed to struggle a little bit against the low block in the first half. Gave away the foul that led to Palace’s goal. His performance felt more like a stylistic misfit than anything specific he did — it’s not like he was poor.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — ): Deki feels like a player without a good fit in this team at the moment, though he perked up when moved deeper midway through the second half. I feel like he could be a little less predictable when wide and moving into the box.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — ): Has been troubled by back injuries and in retrospect looked like it a bit, but did a decent enough job in reserve.
2 stars: White dot (moving)
No Tottenham players were in this categOH MY GOD LOOK OUT AAAAAAAAAH
1 star: Asteroid
No Tottenham players were as bad as getting obliterated by an asteroid.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Giovani Lo Celso, Dane Scarlett