Matches like the one Tottenham Hotspur just put together against Aston Villa — a 4-0 drubbing at Villa Park — are fun to rate and review because everyone’s good and the ratings are high. “Numbers up go brrrr” matches are neat, but I always wonder in these games if I’m overrating players and performances because they won the match. That said, in this particular match — yeah, nobody had a bad game, let’s do that more often.
Today’s theme comes from a discussion on The Extra Inch Patreon Discord last week about potato chip (“crisps” to the Brits) flavors. Hey, I thought, I haven’t done that one yet. But like so many themes, it’s an absolutely massive topic and thus needs some narrowing of the field and some guard rails. So we’re concentrating solely on Lay’s brand potato chips and the standard flavors currently available in America on their website.
An important caveat: for my money, Ruffles All-Dressed is the best chip flavor of all time. Canada is Canada, but they did get this one right. That said, that’s a regional flavor only available in the USA at certain times. Also, Ruffles are not Lay’s and are hence outside of the scope of these ratings. Likewise, there are tons of weird (and often very good!) international flavors, especially in the Asian markets. I’m also well aware that Lay’s operates as “Walker’s” in the UK and I am very specifically omitting the weird-ass flavors like prawn cocktail, Marmite, and ketchup. Am I purposefully alienating about 40% of my readership? Yep! Do I care? Not this time!
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Lay’s American potato chip flavors.
5 stars: Kettle-Cooked Mesquite BBQ
Cards on the table, kettle-cooked chips >>> regular potato chips, and within the scope of these rankings there’s no better Lay’s Kettle-Cooked flavor than Mesquite BBQ. It hits a near-perfect balance of crunchy, salty, and sweet with just a hint of smoke that elevates it. You might have your own personal favorite flavor that you’d put higher, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t inhale half a bag of these given a chance. You totally would. Fantastic paired with a burger.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 4.5): We knew that Micky vs. Ollie Watkins was one of the key matchups and it didn’t disappoint, with Micky using his pace to get back and neutralize Ollie’s offensive on several occasions. Even when Villa were going after Romero, Micky somehow turned up at the right spot to help cut out chances. The knock-related sub was worrisome, but the performance was superlative.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.5): Feels easy to give Ange a rating this high just for saying “keep going” but it was smart of him to recognize that Villa were tiring and that was exploitable. Very much a “we won, ergo 5 stars” rating, but hey — we won! Ergo, 5 stars.
4.5 stars: Kettle-Cooked Jalapeño
I love a good spicy chip. I don’t, however, like most spicy chips, because they tend towards the Franks Red Hots end of the spicy spectrum instead of something actually tasty. But these are good. (They’re not Krunchers Jalapeño good, but y’know, we’re setting boundaries here.) Herbacious, crunchy, and just the right amount of hot. If you are missing the gene that allows you to enjoy cilantro, they’re probably not for you.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 4.5): In the chat, Joel Wertheimer noted how Brennan seems to have improved his lateral movement, which is opening up an entirely new dimension in attacking play for him. I agree. He also seems to have more confidence to take on opponents — had 3/3 successful dribbles in the first half, pressed well, and his goal was superb. Is he making The Leap™ before our eyes?
Pape Sarr (Community — 4.5): That cross. GOD, that cross! This was a match that was almost tailor-made for Sarr’s abilities to get into space and do good things with the ball. Outstanding match, especially in the second half.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.5): In the immediate aftermath of the match I felt like Son had a somewhat quiet performance until the end. But he was ruthless late — a goal and two assists to finish out the match, and that’s an outstanding performance by any metric. Now tied with Cliff Jones for fifth highest Tottenham goal scorer in history.
4 stars: Salt & Vinegar
I remember the first time I tried a salt and vinegar chip in the mid 1980s when still a novelty in the States, and they were a revelation. These chips are proof that you don’t need a myriad of flavors if you get the balance between the saltiness and the tanginess just right. These ones do. It’s like sticking your tongue in a light socket, but in a good way.
Pedro Porro (Community — 4.0): Didn’t appear to have that much rust to shake off after missing a few weeks from injury. Was hoping to see more of his long passing in the first half, but his defense was solid and he did well enough going forward, combining nicely with Kulusevski in the second half.
Cuti Romero (Community — 4.0): I said in the match thread that Cuti’s defense was outstanding overall, but he was at times a little loose with the ball in the first half while playing out of the back. Watkins got past him at least once early on. Hard to be too critical, though.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 4.0): Solid defensive match and drew the foul on John McGinn that got him sent off. You could argue that he was holding onto the ball a little too late at times going forward, but no real complaints here.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.0): What to do with Deki? Was involved in three of Spurs’ four second half goals (one assist, two buildup involvements) but was pretty poor in the first half. I think the good outweighs the bad here, but this should represent maybe a .5 to 1 star demotion to where he’d be with a complete performance.
James Maddison (Community — 4.0): Made the late run to get to the back post to receive and tap home Sarr’s cross, and was otherwise highly involved in Tottenham’s offense. Love the darts celebration.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 4.0): Pleased to finally get a good look at “Goosh” in action. He’s different from Van de Ven, but put together a solid and composed performance in what could’ve been a harrowing matchup. Feels like the back line is in good hands with him, and isn’t that the point of spending big money for defensive depth?
3.5 stars: Sour Cream & Onion / Wavy Ranch
Every chip ranking needs a creamy flavor representation, and honestly I can’t decide between these two. Sour Cream & Onion is a classic flavor combination that tones down the tangy and adds some allium interest. Ranch is just ubiquitous and never a bad choice, though these are a little subtle on the flavor compared to, say, Doritos.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): I don’t recall him making that many important stops because Spurs’ defense kind of shut Villa down. Did well on set pieces and crosses, no major (or even minor, really) mistakes
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.5): Did well enough as a midfield sub to distribute the ball and make sure Villa didn’t get through. Job was made easier by McGinns’ red card, it should be noted. Gets another award as well (see below).
Timo Werner (Community — 4.0): Normally Timo wouldn’t get a rating here as a late sub, but again popped up in the right spot to make a composed finish, his second goal in as many games. Give Leipzig their money now, just make it official. He’s ours.
3 stars: Wavy Original
Lay’s Classic chips are described as their best-selling flavor of all time. I feel like people buy plain chips out of inertia or because they’re afraid of offending someone with flavors. Lay’s plain chips are fine. They taste like… potato chips. They’re just not interesting. That said, the Wavy chips get the nod here because they’re more substantial — the main issue I have with most regular Lay’s chips is that they’re so thin they crumble at the slightest touch so it’s way too easy to end up with a bag full of potato powder. The Wavy chips are heftier, crunchier, and the ridges catch dips without breaking. (They’re also inferior to Ruffles, you can’t win ‘em all.)
Yves Bissouma (Community — 3.5): Had one absolutely horrific pass that led to a Villa half-chance, and still doesn’t seem to have the passing range to unlock defenses, even ones with a high line. Solid enough defensively, but I’m starting to wonder about his long-term fit in this Postecoglou side.
2.5 stars: Limón
I’m not really opposed to Limón chips in principle, it’s just that they’re too close to salt & vinegar, which are an A-tier chip flavor. These, along with Dill Pickle, just don’t really need to exist.
No Tottenham players are in this category.
2 stars: Lightly salted
Take everything that’s good about Lay’s Classic chips and remove it. What’s left is the Lightly Salted. I get that some people have sodium sensitivities or don’t like salty things… then eat something else. Chips are clearly just not for you. These taste like cardboard.
No Tottenham Hotspur players are in this category either.
These chips were apparently formulated to taste like IHop Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity strawberry waffles and uh no I will not be trying these ever thank you.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as IHop Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity potato chips. I presume, anyway, because I’m not going to try them and you shouldn’t either.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: Kettle-Cooked Wasabi Ginger
RIP to the GOAT flavor. These were one of the specialty limited edition flavors a few years back and they were a masterpiece. These chips punched you in the face with flavor, and were impossibly crunchy. I still mourn their passing and light candles weekly at my Lay’s Shrine in hopes that someday they will return.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 3.5)
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Rodrigo Bentancur: I’m not a violent person and generally think on-field #banter and revenge tactics are silly. And yet, I couldn’t help but smile a little when I watched second half substitute Rodrigo Bentancur slide over to the left side of the pitch and put in a little cheeky foul on Matty Cash as he attempted to dribble past him. Petulant shithousery? Yeah. A small, private revenge for Cash taking Lolo out at the knees and injuring him in November? You bet your ass. Lamela would approve.