“‘What’s wrong?’ I yelled. ‘We can’t stop here. This is bat country!'”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Welcome back to Bat Country, the eternal place where dreams are free but hope will cost you. Here there be dragons.
Here be also where we are covering all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings, but outgoings too, and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like Everton ever playing Dele Alli enough to earn Tottenham Hotspur a transfer fee (sobs).
I had planned to only write these up monthly outside of transfer windows; but where there be dragons there also be treasure, and rumor booty is so plentiful it would put even Destiny’s Child to shame. So… we may have them fortnightly, or weekly, or whenever it feels appropriate. Like I said in the lede, Bat Country waits for no man. In case you missed it, check out last week’s edition.
Omar Marmoush
- Egyptian striker at Eintracht Frankfurt. He’s been in the Bundesliga a while, but really exploded since moving from Wolfsburg
- Initially a bit unsure about this one – not really a position of need and he’s probably getting a little high in the age range to be a young prospect
- That said, they say green is the color of envy; it’s also the color of intrigue:
- Originally reported by Bild, who are reasonably decent for German football, though they don’t mention much beyond the fact that we are interested
Guano Meter: 3/5 – okay sourcing, but nothing that concrete at this stage; potentially one who’s lower down our list
Jaden Philogene
- Recently traded our second-favorite London club Aston Villa (IYKYK) for Hull in the Championship
- He did this the other day; ‘nuff said:
ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL GOAL, courtesy of JADEN PHILOGENE.
Hull winger gets the ball at 0:17 & trust us, you want to see what he does with it. pic.twitter.com/eJM8vBthwN
— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) February 14, 2024
- Unfortunately, this one comes from TeamTalk, who have the ever-reliable statement of “Tottenham are leading the race.” Yeah, sure
Guano Meter: 5/5 – no decent sourcing, and he has an exclusive £15m release clause with Villa – that means it’s very unlikely he’s coming to us.
Eberechi Eze
- Attacking midfielder (and occasional winger) at Crystal Palace
- We love signing players who play well against us, and as a gentle reminder he scored THAT free kick against us when we recently played Palace in the league
- Eze is homegrown and good. He also recently extended his contract. Those three things generally mean a pretty hefty price tag
- The latest links come from Miguel Delaney at The Independent, who is okay but often just throws stuff out there; but there are also other decent sources that have supported the fact that we have long-term interest (Sami Mokbel)
- His agency is CAA Base, who we have a VERY good relationship with; there’s also some info floating around the web that we invited his family into a private box for the recent Palace fixture. Charm offensive, anyone?
Guano Meter: 3/5 – there’s legitimate interest here; I would say though that the potential price tag will scare us away.
Frenkie de Jong
- Barcelona midfielder who would be absolutely perfect as Ange’s 6 and totally elevate the way we play and holy crap let’s make this happen
- Stop trying to make this happen
- It’s not going to happen
- Still…
- It’s not going to happen
Guano Meter: 5/5 – The links were from tabloids, and multiple sources (including Frenkie himself) have since come out and shot down the rumors. Boo.
Odilon Kossounou
- Leverkusen defender, ostensibly a center back with the ability to slot in at right back or in midfield when needed. Hey, I remember when we used to have one of those! I think we recently sold him
- So… does this mean we’ve pivoted from Tapsoba to his defensive partner?
- Like Tapsoba, he’s pretty damn good; interestingly, he profiles as a reasonably close statistical match to Mickey van de Ven
- Are we really likely to spend £50m plus on a center back when we have Cristian Romero and Mickey van de Ven right there? And that’s without even taking into account Radu Dragusin
- Decent sourcing on this, with it coming from Christian Falk at BILD – but like with Marmoush, it’s nothing more than interest
Guano Meter: 4/5 – Similar logic to Marmoush, but I’m ranking it lower due to our lack of need at the position.
Dean Huijsen
- 18-year-old center back who started at Malaga before coming through Juventus’ youth setup; currently on loan at Roma
- Did this recently:
- OK, so we don’t necessarily need a starting CB, but how about a young fourth choice option? He looks fun and athletic at least
- The sourcing here is basically tabloid level, and you know how they are in Italy – anything goes!
Guano Meter: 5/5 – Italian tabloids tell you all you need to know.
And that’s it for this update. There is still more to come; but for today consider your thirst quenched until the next time we drink from the spring of transfer rumors. Welcome to Bat Country.