If you’re not an avid reader of the Richard Keys blog then a) we implore you to have a long hard look at your life and b) we hope we can fill the void through this selection of his certifiable witterings.
We’ve picked out 17 of his takes to rank the Premier League managers by his opinion of them, from love to loathe. 17 because we couldn’t find anything of note on Rob Edwards, Thomas Frank or Nuno Espirito Santo. Though if we had to guess we would say love, like, dislike respectively.
17) Jurgen Klopp (Liverpool)
“You know who I would go after? I would sit Jurgen Klopp down and say: ‘What do you want? Because you’re not leaving. If it means you’ve got to take Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off some weeks, that’s fine. If you want to live in Majorca in your big new house that you’re building, that’s also fine. You are too big a character in and around this club for us to allow you to leave, and that’s not happening, so you tell us what we can do going forward to make sure you are happy in this job.’”
We suspect being held prisoner may take some of the gloss off Klopp’s time at Liverpool, and reckon the commute from Spain to Merseyside on the two days a week he’s expected to take training sessions will, if anything, further deplete his energy reserves.
16) Sean Dyche (Everton)
“A word for big Dychey. The Toffees are out of the bottom three and the points deduction is all but forgotten. I’ve never doubted that Everton would be ok. They’ll finish 10th/12th-ish. Dyche looks so comfortable in their technical area. This time it’s the right man in the right place very much at the right time. Dyche could yet go on to make himself a legend at Goodison.”
Four wins on the bounce in December and Keys was sketching mock-ups of “Big Dychey” statues. No wins in the 11 games since and he’s not quite so confident, with their seven goals in that time “the mark of a team getting relegated”. Never in doubt though.
15) David Moyes (West Ham)
“I was pleased to see West Ham record a win that lifts them back into 7th. What are they doing in East London? Why haven’t they put a contract in front of Moyes yet?”
A blog post from earlier this month, three weeks after Keys said that “Graham Potter comes to mind” as “I don’t think Moyes has a long-term future there”. A top-tier flip-flop of many from Keys, who does though have a soft spot for Moyes, owing to the West Ham manager now being about the only Premier League manager willing to be interviewed by the disgraced former Sky Sports presenter.
14) Unai Emery (Aston Villa)
“And what a dignified celebration Unai. Just a fist pump – and a walk to the tunnel, where he later shook hands with everyone on the Gunners’ coaching staff. That’s the way to do it. The Celebration Police were very impressed.”
Praising the celebration of a former Arsenal manager after a win over Arsenal is about as thinly veiled a criticism of Mikel Arteta as it’s possible to imagine.
13) Gary O’Neil (Wolves)
“I’m delighted for Gary O’Neil – sacked by a small club with no tradition where he produced miracles – employed by a giant. It’s a well deserved turn around in fortunes.”
Always had a good chance of being well-liked by Keys, what with him being a Football Man and all.
12) Andoni Iraola (Bournemouth)
“Andoni Iraola (who?) is slowly proving a few of us wrong at Bournemouth.”
Begrudging praise for Johnny Foreigner coming over here and stealing our jobs (albeit at a “small club with no tradition”) with 1.38 PPG to the 1.05 PPG of the miracle-worker before him.
11) Oliver Glasner (Crystal Palace)
“It was good to see Oliver Glasner get off to a winning start at Palace, but as for the nonsense that he ‘took the handbrake off’ – he didn’t. Palace beat Burnley. Every team beats Burnley. It was a perfect game for Glasner. It’s just a pity that Steve Parish didn’t give it to Roy Hodgson. It would’ve been a perfect and fitting way for Roy to sign off.”
He’s only just arrived, but this gives a pretty good indication of the short shrift Glasner’s set to be given by Keys, with plenty of ‘Roy could have done the same’ to come if he succeeds, and further Parish reprimands if he doesn’t. Keys would have an incontinent Hodgson drooling on the touchline into his 90s if it was on offer.
10) Marco Silva (Fulham)
“Here’s a man seriously out of his depth – who’s also lost his dressing room. He’s a deeply unpopular character with all his staff at Goodison, let alone the players.”
Unreasonable of us to pick a quote from 2019, especially given Keys has recently said Silva’s doing a “top job” at Fulham. But that should come as a particularly big shock for the beIN Sports man as he’s been joined at Craven Cottage by Bruno Mendes, Luis Boa Morte, Goncalo Pedro, Hugo Oliveira and Antonis Lemonakis, all of whom apparently couldn’t stand him at Everton.
9) Roberto De Zerbi
“[For Brighton] it’s one win in eight, that win at Forest last week. Steve Cooper’s under pressure for only producing one in ten. I’m not sure what the difference is.”
A proponent of the “tippy-tappy” football Keys abhors and thus any dip in form is met with questions as to why he’s still in the job. The difference between one win in eight and one win in ten – if you were wondering – is two games. And other notable distinctions between the two managers include De Zerbi leading Brighton to their highest-ever finish in the English football pyramid the season before, and thus European football for the first time, and – at the time of Keys’ query – having 25 Premier League points to Nottingham Forest’s 13.
8) Eddie Howe (Newcastle)
“What’s happened to the Geordie revolution? It was great to see the Toon mixing it with the big boys last season. Why have the wheels come off so quickly? Is it time for phase 2? And Jose? There are no guarantees of a trophy in football – unless you employ him.”
He’s far from the only one who thinks Newcastle should consider giving Howe the boot, but suggesting Jose Mourinho would be “phase 2” is a kick in the teeth.
READ: Jose Mourinho leads contenders to take over at Newcastle if Eddie Howe sacked
7) Erik ten Hag (Manchester United)
“All the leaks coming out of OT tell me the gaffer is Erik ten Toast. Football can be a horrible business. He’s had his time though – wasted a fortune & taken them nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.”
He’s more recently called Ten Hag “deluded” with regards to his selecting of stats to paint United in a positive light, and let’s face it, anything the Dutchman does from now on at Old Trafford is immaterial because you simply do not come back from Erik ten Toast.
6) Mauricio Pochettino (Chelsea)
“I said Sunday – and I’ll repeat it here – he wouldn’t win the lottery if you gave him the winning ticket. Here’s a thought – how about Chelsea give the job to JT? Now he does know about winning.”
Not entirely sure whether that line was worth repeating, and we’re absolutely certain he should have kept that insane thought to himself. John f***ing Terry? Jesus.
5) Ange Postecoglou (Tottenham)
“They were reckless. I know Ange ‘it’s what we are mate’, but you won’t be joining the big boys unless you’re more professional. I grant you – the way Spurs play can be enjoyable to watch, but it won’t bring success.”
Never going to be a fan of the Australian given his penchant for Dychey and Jose, with excitement and professionalism apparently mutually exclusive ideals.
4) Chris Wilder
“I am going to put it to you that we have just watched the worst ever Premier League team.”
No notes. Good call.
3) Vincent Kompany (Burnley)
“Vincent Kompany is taking liberties. I’m afraid it looks as though managing Burnley is a vanity project for him. He said afterwards ‘any team that is associated with my name will always play good football’. Wrong Vinny. You’ve got that totally wrong.”
The stark contrast with Dyche, who “was Burnley”, is doing Vinny no favours. Like a typical narcissist he dropped down a division to earn his chops in management.
2) Mikel Arteta (Arsenal)
“I just wish he’d have a little more class about him when Liverpool handed them the second goal, and the third one, off he goes again. I just think Arteta needs to show a little more dignity, especially when the goals were presents.”
“Stop behaving like a fool in your technical area. Someone is going to get badly injured if they crash into him.”
Two quotes for Arteta because Keys bangs on about both aspects of the Arsenal manager’s managerial style and character continuously. Keys can’t abide Arteta celebrating, even when it’s a 3-1 win over title rivals Liverpool, and it wasn’t his fault a player got injured through technical area tomfoolery, but Jurgen Klopp’s.
READ MORE: The highest-ranking Arsenal-hating Celebration Police officers revealed, with Carragher at 8)
1) Pep Guardiola (Manchester City)
“Guardiola is often spoken of as a ‘genius’. He’s not. He’s good, but he’s also been lucky to have coached three big teams – where he’s always inherited good players. He’s wasted millions at City. Yes – he’s delivered trophies – significantly, not the big one – but so he should’ve done with the money he’s had.”
There are numerous examples of Keys railing against Guardiola’s genius. That view hasn’t changed now he has won “the big one” and presumably only would if he slummed it for a season or two somewhere. Like a leather-skinned p*sshead in Benidorm, Keys also advised “Senor Guardiola” to treat his beIN Sports people better after “he looked at [Andy] Kerr like he was a piece of sh*t on his shoe”.
