Tottenham Hotspur lost 3-0 at Fulham on Saturday. It was Spurs’ worst performance under Ange Postecoglou and wasn’t very much fun. Often I rewatch matches so I can say intelligent things about the matches in these player ratings and elsewhere. I did not do that this time. Who wants to watch that again? I’d rather get hit by a bus.
…Hey.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of getting hit by a bus.
Whatever stars: Not getting hit by a bus
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): He was ok I guess
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
2 stars: Getting hit by a bus
Look, everyone was bad. I could go player by player and point out all the interesting and unique ways that that singular person had a bad match (or in some cases had some individual moments where they did ok) but why would I subject myself to that? Or to you? We’ve got two weeks now to lick our wounds and move on from… whatever the hell that was. I intend to use every moment.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community – 2.5)
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community – 2.5)
Pedro Porro (Community – 2.5)
Timo Werner (Community – 2.5)
Radu Dragusin (Community – 2.5)
Destiny Udogie (Community – 2.0)
Son Heung-Min (Community – 2.0)
Dejan Kulusevski (Community – 2.0)
Pape Matar Sarr (Community – 2.0)
James Maddison (Community – 2.0)
Brennan Johnson (Community – 2.0)
Ange Postecoglou (Community – 2.0)
Yves Bissouma (Community – 1.5)
1 star: Getting hit by the Chelsea bus driven by Mauricio Pochettino en route to the Arsenal Premier League title celebration after Bayern Munich wins the Champions League behind a hat trick from Harry Kane
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as… oh god did I speak that into existence
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating:
Richarlison, Giovani Lo Celso