Harry Kane can’t seem to catch a break. After a public and rather messy breakup with Tottenham Hotspur this past summer, Kane was sold to Bundesliga giants Bayern Munich, ostensibly because he wanted to win trophies. It hasn’t gone to plan — Bayern flamed out of the Pokal and are currently 10 points behind Bayer Leverkusen in the table, making it very likely they will not win the league for the first time since 2012. Bayern’s last chance to win a trophy is in the Champions League, and it likely means running a gauntlet past Arsenal, Manchester City, and possibly Barcelona. Kane is scoring goals in buckets, but his current team is in decline while the team he left to trophy hunt is back on the ascendency.
So what fresh hell can be foisted upon him now? How about a statue that nobody seems to want? Outlet Big Issue has received exclusive photos of a heretofore unseen bronze sculpture of Harry Kane commissioned by the London borough of Waltham Forest for £7200 of public funds in 2019, but which has been hidden away somewhere in East London because they can’t find anyone to take it.
Surely it’s not THAT bad, you say? Oh buddy.
⚽️EXCLUSIVE: This is the statue of Harry Kane which has been sat in storage for years@BigIssue has obtained pictures of the statue, commissioned in 2019, and as-yet-unseen
Waltham Forest Council spent £7,200 on it, at the request of residents. But it hasn’t found a home… pic.twitter.com/HdNMFKv7Xw
— Greg Barradale (@GregBarradale) March 20, 2024
Now, as one who has advocated for a statue of Harry Kane outside of White Hart Lane in the past, I appreciate the effort here, but only barely. For starters, there are plenty of poses a sculptor could’ve chosen for a statue of Harry — his iconic leaping arm-thrusting goal celebration, ripping the mask off after scoring against Arsenal, or even preparing to shoot that deflected goal at Aston Villa. All good options. What I would NOT have chosen is Harry Kane in an England shirt sitting on a park bench holding a ball on his knee.
Big Issue states that numerous locations, including Chingford Rail Station and Ridgeway Park, where Harry Kane played as a boy, have been mooted as a location for Kane’s bronze but nobody seems to want it, so it’s languished in storage for five years. (It’s certainly not going to find a home outside the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium anytime soon.) But football fans are fickle, as are parishioners who tend to get upset when public money is used to fund the creation of weird bronze statues of footballers that nobody seems to want.
As for the statue itself? Well, it’s not the bust of Cristiano Ronaldo but it’s not great! Comments I’ve seen range from “You know it tastes of Easter egg chocolate” to “It should probably remain hidden.” Comments from the Carty Free writer’s room ranged from “Why isn’t his mouth open” to “Can’t tell if Beavis or Butthead.”
Kane hasn’t publicly commented, which is probably wise in this circumstance. In the meantime, I’m still waiting impatiently for my bronze statue of Erik Lamela.