“‘What’s wrong?’ I yelled. ‘We can’t stop here. This is bat country!'”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
It’s time for another visit to Bat Country – the place where the only limits are those of your imagination. Can you imagine Mbappe signing for Tottenham Hotspur? Hell, you belong here.
We had three editions back in March, and the rumors are already flowing in for the month of April. Expect more dispatches to come this month: you just know footballers hailing from near and far are ready to sign in blood for this club. Ange would say to not let anyone tell you different!
Here we cover all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like… well, Mbappe signing for Tottenham Hotspur. Sorry folks.
Check out some of the previous editions here, as well as Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece that spurred (hah, get it?) this series here.
Morgan Gibbs-White
- English attacker / midfielder currently trying to make Nuno proud at Nottingham Forest
- Did he really play well enough against us for us to consider him? I doubt it
- Honestly, I just don’t see it with this guy. Maybe it’s because he’s part of a not very good team… but the numbers just don’t stack up, and the eye test for me has always backed that up
- Feels like the English tax plus what Nottingham would want for one of their prize assets would make it a poor value investment; though FFP could force their hand
- Not much more than a rumor, this one – bits and pieces from the Daily Mail and Footy Insider so nothing to make you take it with any level of seriousness
Guano Meter: 4/5 – really don’t see this one happening. Doesn’t pass the sniff test in terms of both player and sourcing.
Mauricio
- No dad, we don’t want you back! We have a new dad! Oh wait, it’s not him? That makes more sense
- This Mauricio is an attacking midfielder at Internacional in Brazil who can apparently be had for a cool £10 million
- He’s putting up pretty good numbers, albeit in a weaker league – seems good on the ball and likes to get forward
- The sourcing on this is definitely getting more into the esoteric realm. Vozes do Gigante, who from what I can tell are a local Brazilian outlet, mentioned our interest
- There has been in recent times reporting on us exploring potential untapped markets – maybe Brazil is one?
Guano Meter: 5/5 – just a little too left-field, even for us.
Ben Johnson
- West Ham fullback, second cousin to our namesake Ledley King
- Johnson is going out of contract with the Hammers, and it looks like his cousin is trying to find him a new deal, reportedly recommending Johnson to Spurs
- Which… I really don’t think so, sorry Ledley:
- There’s some good there, but honestly – he just doesn’t profile as a guy who fits Ange’s system, and I don’t see how a guy who isn’t making it at West Ham is good enough for us
Guano Meter: 4/5 – I’m sure there was some truth to this rumor! But I don’t see us actually being actively interested in him.
Gleison Bremer
- Hey, it’s one of those players that just keeps getting linked with Spurs window after window with very little concrete sources, but with the links never really developing beyond that
- Right-sided defender, who mostly plays on the right of a back three – currently at Juventus
- He hasn’t been there that long – so will Juve really want to sell him off? He could make a decent Cuti backup though…
- This comes from Graeme Baily over at 90Min, who says we’ve “readded him to our shopping list”; if only buying players was just like going to the supermarket
- It does seem a little bit like agent games in some ways… maybe he’s just after a new contract?
Guano Meter: 4/5 – Longstanding rumors, solid player, could be something more to it? But probably not.
Jarrad Branthwaite
- Center back at Everton, and one of their sole highlights this season in a pretty average squad
- I rubbished this rumor when it first broke last year due to his quality on the ball- but having spent a bit more time watching Branthwaite, maybe I was too hasty?
- Hey, wait a minute!
- You know Everton would absolutely make us pay through the nose for this; though their financial situation could force their hand
- Aaaand it’s the Mail – though they’ve been reasonably strong with their language, saying us and Manchester United have specifically enquired (though Man U being interested in a player is enough for me to say “no thanks”)
Guano Meter: 4/5 – There’s been rumors floating around a while; if we are interested, I think Everton tells us to get bent (cue imitation Sean Dyche voice).
Giorgi Mamardashvili
- A pretty damn good Georgian goalkeeper at Valencia
- Which begs the question… why? We’ve just signed Googly Elmo, and he’s great
- The sourcing isn’t great, coming from a Spanish tabloid saying we are a “likely destination” this summer
- He apparently has a release clause around £86 million
- (At the risk of repeating myself) which begs the question… why? We’ve just signed Googly Elmo, and he’s great
- I don’t think we’re even close to considering shelling out that amount of cash for a backup, and I don’t think Mamardashvili would come here to sit on the bench either
Guano Meter: 5/5 – This one ain’t happening, folks.
That’s it for this installment – but the rumor mill is now in full force and we have more updates incoming this month! Patience. It’s only April. Welcome to Bat Country.