Tottenham Hotspur went to St. James’ Park on Saturday and got their asses handed to them 4-0. It was ugly. I did not enjoy my lunch.
In a comprehensive beat-down like this I often take one of two approaches: either I take the time to analyze exactly the ways in which each individual player was bad, or I simply phone it in with the theme. Today, I’m taking a hybrid method, and it’s one that was suggested by user jayhawkco in the player ratings voting article.
I like that. That’s good, and this time I remembered where I actually saw the idea instead of half-remembering that someone put it in a comment section somewhere.
So sure, fine. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of numbers three or lower.
3 stars: 1.01
When you want to express how bad a player was and still not ruin the bit.
Cuti Romero (Community — 2.0): Honestly? He wasn’t that bad. Credit where due.
Timo Werner (Community — 2.0): Honestly? Probably Spurs’ best attacker on the day. The first cross from Johnson was a tricky finish, and I don’t blame him for missing. The other one? Yeah, he totally Timo’d that.
2.5 stars: 2
Where would these player ratings articles be without 2?
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 2.5): I mean, it’s not like he was good but he at least made a couple of nice stops, including one with his feet.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 1.5): Here’s my hot take for this article: Micky wasn’t as bad as everyone is saying he is. Yes, he made some mistakes. No, he didn’t play especially well. But I’d argue he regularly got hung out to dry positionally by the midfield, and Isak is both in form and a load to handle even before you get left on an island. #JusticeForMickey #KindOf
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.0): A couple of good blocks, but still got torched by Toon’s forward players.
James Maddison (Community — 2.0): Someone go dunk on the Monstars so we can get Madders’ mojo back.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): I mean, he was better than Bissouma and Bentancur.
Pape Sarr (Community — 2.0): I assume he did some stuff on the pitch but darned if I can remember anything particularly noteworthy.
2 stars: 3
3 is… just mid. Which in a five point scale goes without saying, I guess, but that’s also why it sucks.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.0): Whoof. That back pass. That’s all, just… whoof. Sorry he’s injured, though.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.0): Got pressed into oblivion by Newcastle’s midfield. A bad tactical matchup that Ange probably shoudl’ve seen coming.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 1.5): The latest in a string of sub-par performances where he doesn’t seem in sync with the back line, and doesn’t know how to progress the ball through midfield.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): Had that one excellent cross that Timo couldn’t handle in the box, but otherwise was completely marked out of the game by Newcastle’s back line.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 1.5): He was very bad in this game and it makes me sad.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 1.5): Nah big Ange, you got it wrong this time. Do better.
Emerson Royal (Community — 2.0): LOL
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.0): Completely ineffective and directly responsible for the fourth goal.
1 star:
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as because how is that even possible?
Trugoy the Dove Memorial Non-Rating:
Giovani Lo Celso and isn’t it almost a mercy to not get a rating after a match like this?