“‘What’s wrong?’ I yelled. ‘We can’t stop here. This is bat country!'”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Well, the rumors started coming and they don’t stop coming. At the start of April, I had roughly six names I was yet to cover in this series. Now, that number stands at about twenty. Bat Country is here folks, and I am but a humble servant to its whims.
Here we cover all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like… Sandro being the next head coach of Tottenham. You want it, I want it, and it’s not gonna happen ladies and gentlemen.
Check out some of the previous editions here, as well as Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece that was the genesis of this series here.
Alexander Isak
- Yeah, I’m sure we all know who he is, I’m not even going to do an explanatory blurb here
- It wouldn’t be an edition of Bat Country without us being linked to somebody who played really well against us recently, would it? (sobs) Not like it hasn’t happened with a Newcastle player before, either…
- Seriously though, unlike in other cases where this has happened, Isak is really good
- So why would Newcastle sell him? Well, Newcastle are starting to get into a bit of a financial bind, and to do business may need to sell one of their prize assets: Bruno Guimaraes or Isak
- Which brings us to the link… there basically isn’t one. Jamie O’Hara said in an interview on TalkSport that we should sign Isak, which… well duh – and then a bunch of Spurs related media and Twitter channels jumped on it (hey, we’re doing it now too!)
- Do you seriously see us putting up £100 million odd to sign him? I seriously doubt it
Guano Meter: 5/5 – zero sourcing, outside our price range. Nope.
Dani Olmo
- A Spanish, Barcelona-trained attacking midfielder, currently with RB Leipzig
- Quite similar in some ways to Deki, in that he can play in the wide positions, as well as in a central attacking role
- As far as playstyle goes though, he has a fair bit of overlap with James Maddison – just a bit more dribbly and a bit less passy – is that the combo we need right now?
- We were actually linked to Olmo a few years back while he was still at Dinamo Zagreb; do we think Leipzig would give us both him and Timo Werner? We do know a lot of clubs in Europe do need to buy to sell…
- The original links came from Florian Plettenberg at Sky Sport Germany, before being picked up by The Daily Mail and BILD. We know Plettenberg has decent sources in Germany, but the wording of the original link mentions contract negotiations, which means this could really be just agent talk
Guano Meter: 3/5 – a player we’ve had an eye on for a while, and the links aren’t exactly rubbish – but seem more in line with securing Olmo a bigger paycheck.
Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall
- Central midfielder at Leicester in the Championship. Hey, maybe he learned a thing or two from Winksy (I hope not, sorry Fitzie)
- After featuring more and more over the last couple of years, he’s become a lock in the Foxes’ starting side this season, starting 39 matches and wait… scoring 12 goals and providing 13 assists? From midfield?
- Wait a tick, just let me check…
- Oh. Alrighty then. Those are some numbers, that’s for sure
- Now, usually I post these without much comment for a bit of fun, but a slightly deeper dive into the numbers shows that in the last two seasons D-H’s npxG+xAG stat was 3.9 and 5.6, then this season that number leaped to 22.4
- Now, I’m not going to say those numbers are something to do with Leicester absolutely slaughtering every side they’ve played in the Championship… wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying!
- Hey, it’s another club apparently in financial trouble
- The links come originally from Alex Crook in a TalkSport Exclusive, which… I dunno man. That said, there seems to be a little smoke around the rumor with a few more outlets picking it up in the last few days
Guano Meter: 3/5 – I’d like a bit more substantial sourcing to rate this higher, but where there’s smoke…
Youssouf Fofana
- 25-year-old central / defensive midfielder for Monaco
- Potentially could be that new #6 we’ve been thinking about since Yves went off the boil?
- Another one we’ve been linked with previously (though never with much solidity)
- Good progression numbers from a deeper role (though the pass completion numbers bring to mind the Dier Tyre Fire Pass of the Day Sponsored by Kumho Tyre™), and the interception numbers indicate good positioning (though can be a tactical function)
- Look – I won’t beat around the bush here. This rumor comes to us by way of… ITK! Yes, that’s right, it comes from some rando after internet clout who quite possibly has an in with the club but more likely is pulling stuff out of his butt. Wait, does that make me ITK?
Guano Meter: 5/5 – ITK! ITK! ITK!
Festy Ebosele
- Irish right back / wingback at Udinese. Hmmm. An Irishman at an Italian football club, I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere
- Dude is FAST. Like, super fast
- Maybe we’re after a slightly more fit-for-purpose backup for Pedro Porro than Emerson Royal?
- Gotta say though… if you’re looking for something fit-for-purpose, his passing numbers don’t exactly give me confidence that he can play the inverted fullback role. I’ve been wrong before, though
- Most of the links in this case originated with the Italian tabloids, which… not great, Bob!
- That said… Alasdair Gold did recently mention we were interested in signing Ebosele when he left Derby, with the Irishman choosing Udinese instead. He doesn’t add much more to the Italian reports except to say we could look at him
Guano Meter: 4/5 – Italian tabloids. The previous interest (which seems real coming from Gold) brings it down a point.
Ilya Zarbanyi
- The second name on this list to be playing in the Premier League, he’s a Ukrainian center back at Bournemouth
- Wait a tick… we scored 2+ goals against the Cherries both home and away! You mean to tell me this isn’t one of those links where we like him because he played well against us?
- Honestly, I’m not sure about this one – his numbers are kinda meh (which, in fairness, numbers are often tricky when it comes to judging center backs) and he doesn’t seem especially good on the ball which doesn’t exactly make him a good fit for Ange-ball
- More importantly, Bournemouth’s defense on the whole has been pretty bad which isn’t exactly a great selling point
- Hey, yet another one on this list we’ve been linked to previously! Are we just playing the hits?
- Alasdair Gold lends this one a little more credence though, saying that while we were interested in him before his stint at Bournemouth, we’re still interested and could move in the summer. Not exactly strong language there, though
Guano Meter: 3/5 – Looks like nothing much here beyond interest, but Gold’s backing indicates the interest has some merit, at least
That’s it for this installment. It’s not even silly season, but a deluge of rumors has washed us out of reality into the realm of Bat Country. Welcome.