“‘What’s wrong?’ I yelled. ‘We can’t stop here. This is bat country!'”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Welcome to the third April edition of Dispatches from Bat Country. If I hadn’t written April in the title, I’d think we were right in the middle of silly season; but it turns out Bat Country is no longer seasonal, but instead eternal. Bask in the glory.
Here we cover all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like… Harry Kane signing for Tottenham Hotspur next season, feeling that he needs to take another step in his career to finally win a trophy. Have I done this one before? It feels like I should have done this before.
Check out some of the previous editions here, as well as Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece that was the genesis of this series here.
Raphinha
- Brazilian winger who made the improbable jump to Barcelona from Leeds
- Dude is obviously pretty damn good to make that jump; Barca fans don’t like him because they’re strange
- This is a lot of green:
- He’d probably cost a fair bit of green too; Barca are broke (LOL) and so want to cash in some assets so they can keep spending money they don’t have – but that doesn’t mean they want peanuts. £80 million is being thrown around, which is a LOT
- There’s been a fair bit of sourcing on this one with the likes of Alasdair Gold and Fabrizio Romano declaring we are interested at various times on various platforms
Guano Meter: 3/5 – honestly, the interest is probably real; the price tag is TOO real, especially with the amount of investment the squad needs in the summer.
Alex Baena
- Versatile Spanish attacking midfielder currently at Villareal in La Liga
- He plays in a number of roles depending on how the Yellow Submarine set up; he is comfortable on the left, but often plays an attacking role in a midfield three, or off the striker – he would potentially play in midfield in Ange’s system
- Baena is quite a hard-working player, liking to get stuck in and with a really good eye for a pass – he’d probably quite like Ange-ball
- As to any reporting linking him to us – well, there’s for sure reports linking him to Barcelona, as well as Arsenal and Chelsea (wait, does the latter mean we don’t want him?)
- With regards to Spurs, however, this is a glorious ITK rumor from the depths of the interwebs – so you heard it here first! Or maybe you’re so desperately thirsty for links you’ve gone full Bat Country like us and are digging through ITK threads on Twitter. Never go full Bat Country…
Guano Meter: 5/5 – to quote Bill Withers, “And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, ITK.”
Amadou Onana
- Belgian defensive midfielder currently lining up to help Everton escape the drop (and most recently coming on as a sub to help the Toffees secure a valuable Merseyside Derby win over Liverpool)
- We could use a new 6, that’s for sure; is Onana that guy? I’m less sure
- He covers a fair amount of ground, loves to get stuck in, and is decent on the ball – but is decent on the ball good enough? Again, I’m not so sure
- The age profile is right, though – only 22 so a lot of room to grow here
- The report on this comes from none other than Paul O’Keefe, who definitely has some sources, but we don’t usually like to treat as a primary source…
- Oh, Bayern and Manchester United are also linked; and the price tag is £60 million plus. A bidding war at that price? No thanks
Guano Meter: 3/5 – I think there’s something to this one – but Everton need cash and there’s a lot of interest. We’re possibly priced out.
Archie Gray
- Young and versatile Leeds defensive player, only 18 but starting the majority of Leeds’ matches in the Championship
- Comfortable at both right back and defensive midfield, often splitting time between the two roles
- Very comfortable on the ball for a fullback; probably more limited passing range for a 6 than we’d like
- Could be a decent option though as a future Pedro Porro backup? Could possibly cover the inverted fullback role quite well, though is still very young
- Let’s check in on where this rumor came from… oh, it’s the Daily Mail. Never mind
- That said… there’s a player that Leeds quite like who belongs to Tottenham… who is currently on loan at Leeds… by the name of Joe Rodon. Hmmm. Maybe there’s a deal to be done here?
Guano Meter: 4/5 – It’s the Mail. But he does seem like a player we’d be interested in, and the circumstances of making Joe Rodon’s loan permanent may facilitate a sale?
Mohamed Simakan
- We’ve already raided RB Leipzig for a winger; why not a center back / right back as well?
- Simakan is young, fast, strong, and versatile – though not the most technical on the ball, he’s adept at moving the ball quickly when in the fullback role, and could be another good Pedro Porro rotation option
- He’s really solid in the air, which honestly we kind of need. Have you seen us at set pieces?
- As a center back option, it does seem like a strange target, especially given our outlay on Radu Dragusin in January
- This one is coming from Sky Sport in Germany, so not the worst sourcing – Phillipp Hinze initially reported it, and Florian Plettenberg has backed up the reports
- There’s apparently a release clause involved, but it’s a pricey one – potentially upwards of £60 million
Guano Meter: 3/5 – Sourcing no better than okay, a price tag that’s probably a bit high, and at a position that’s potentially not really a huge need. I think this one is unlikely, but not impossible.
Piero Hincapie
- Hey, weren’t we linked to Hincapie last summer? Are we just playing the hits again?
- Regardless, he’s (another) versatile defender – ostensibly a center back, but also comfortable on the left side of the defense
- He’s just won a title with Leverkusen – maybe he could bring some of that luck our way? You just know that side is going to get picked over now by the big dogs
- He’s a very good passer of the ball from the back, very competent technically, and his ability to play multiple positions would be a bonus to us, with our depth at both left back and left center back dwindling as Ben Davies ages
- According to BILD, Spurs made a €25 million verbal offer in January, which given what I said above… yeah, they probably laughed and hung up on us
- Aaaand the other place this is coming from is The Sun. Not exactly what you’d consider quality reporting
Guano Meter: 5/5 – It’s The Sun. And his sights are probably set higher than Spurs, as much as I hate to say it.
That’s it for this installment. The rumors keep coming. The realm of Bat Country goes ever forth. Get yourself comfortable, this is only the start.