“‘What’s wrong?’ I yelled. ‘We can’t stop here. This is bat country!'”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
It’s time for the third edition of Dispatches from Bat Country this month, and boy, do we have some juicy names for you this week. Unfortunately, in the realm of Bat Country, juicy tends to be a synonym for ridiculous, so join me as we apply our clown makeup and take a journey through the bizarre.
Here we cover all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like… Spurs selling generational talent and Lamine Yamal 2.0 Mikey Moore. Oh God, I didn’t just speak that into being, did I?
Check out some of the previous editions here, as well as Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece that was the genesis of this series here.
Tammy Abraham
- Hoo boy. Starting off with a bang. We all know who Tammy Abraham is, and he’s been chilling at Roma with our old mate, Jose Mourinho
- What’s that? Mourinho has been treating you like trash and you don’t feel like playing for him anymore? I’m shocked, I tell you, shocked!
- There’s some ability there, and Tammy is still only 26; only two seasons ago he had 21 G+A in 36 starts in Serie A
- It’s been a downhill trajectory from there though, with goal numbers trending down and injury time trending up. He missed most of last season due to an ACL, and that can be a tough one from which to recover; aaaaaand he’s just picked up another injury in preseason
- This one would be a gamble at best; it does feel like Tammy Abraham’s best days may be behind him; with that in mind, it might make sense that Roma would want rid
- This link first popped up in Italian tabloids last year, with a €40 million price tag; it was picked up by another Italian outlet around a month ago who mentioned a €30 million price, but that Roma would maybe take €25 million, and the price keeps dropping – so yeah, this is coming from the Roma side
- Of course, everyone’s favorite Telegraph reporter Matt Law picked it up, saying we were interested but “yet to make a decision”; Paul O’Keefe, who’s had a bit of an inside run on Spurs’ forward targets rubbished the links
Guano Meter: 5/5 – Roma want to free up some cash, and Spurs were interested in Abraham a couple of years back. This is tabloid junk, and I’m shocked Law even reported on it. Well, not that shocked.
Ferran Torres
- Winger and sometimes false nine who is at Barcelona, previously playing in the Premier League at Manchester City
- Wait, what do you mean to tell me he’s still only 24? What even is time?
- After being a regular part of the starting XI on his transfer to Barcelona, Torres has seen his minutes drop away as Barca have looked for more consistent options in their front line
- This is probably a very inaccurate comparison, but Torres almost seems like a tiki-taka Brennan Johnson – some pretty decent end product for a wide player, but… not much else. Can Spurs afford to carry another player like that in their squad? He’s certainly not that mooted “dribbly” type player
- He does strike me as one who may be surplus to requirements at Barca, especially if the Catalan club want to reinvest in their squad (insert Barcelona broke joke here)
- So this one was an offhand mention in the print edition of the Daily Express, basically a tabloid – outside of that, there is basically nothing on this link
Guano Meter: 5/5 – Look, it wouldn’t surprise me if Torres did leave Barcelona this summer, for a number of reasons – but for now, this link is complete rubbish.
Dennis Man
- Has Radu Dragusin been talking to his teammates? That’s right, Man (lol) is a 25-year-old Romanian winger, who has been playing in Serie B for Parma for the last couple of seasons
- Fbref with very little context, and I gotta say that this is intriguing (but Serie B):
- If Spurs do go in for Man, I’m expecting the following approach:
- Demonstrate value: Spurs have Johan Lange get in touch and communicate his vision for Man in the project
- Engage physically: Spurs send a formal offer, one that’s of course on the ridiculous side to get things moving
- Nurture dependence: Daniel Levy gets on the phone with Parma, and knowing the financial situation on the continent, communicates the need for Parma to sell players to grow their squad in an attempt to make it back to Serie A. He also subtly indicates that Man is the only player of significant value, growing Parma’s desire for the sale to go through
- Neglect emotionally: Spurs go radio silent. Parma believe their strong push-back on Spurs’ initial offer may have caused the deal to go through; Man grows frustrated with his club
- Inspire hope: Ange Postecoglou gets on the phone with Man and lays down the vibes. Man wants to leave; Parma become more optimistic that a deal can still be done
- Sign the player: Spurs send another cut-price offer, but one for slightly more than the initial hilarious bid. Parma accept, and Man heads to Spurs
- This one comes from Sport.ro, a Romanian outlet for which I have absolutely zero clue as to the veracity; that this one was picked up by The Sun and pretty much no-one else tells you all you need to know, though
Guano Meter: 5/5 – I mean, it could be The Sun, right? And it kinda is.
Weston McKennie
- C’mon. You don’t know who this is? I’m sorry, I thought this was America!
- In more seriousness (or at least, as serious as I get in these pieces), the USA midfielder has spent the majority of the last few years at Juventus in Serie A – outside of a loan stint at Leeds where he was a total flop
- Surely even the most USA! USA! USA! reader on here would think this a bad idea; does McKennie really seem like the kind of player Spurs need?
- That said…
- After a poor couple of seasons, his numbers did start to trend up again, looking more in line with his performances earlier in his career; maybe there’s something there, and he IS still only 25 (seriously, what even is time)
- This one really came and went as fast as it appeared (so much quicker than McKennie himself, heyoooo) – transfer rumor extraordinaire and all-around rubbish peddler Pete O’Rourke (who we in the masthead unaffectionately refer to as SportsPeeto) suggesting Spurs had hijacked a move by Aston Villa to sign the American for £15 million
- The rumor was immediately rubbished by all and sundry, including Alasdair Gold, Matt Law, and Paul O’Keefe
Guano Meter: 5/5 – Come on, did you expect anything different? Seriously, I pretty much copy-paste these week to week, because my reaction is identical.
Vanderson
- Because Richarlison needs a single-name Brazilian friend, the young Monaco right back is an obvious target for Tottenham
- Seriously though, check out a picture of this dude – I swear he looks just like a Brazilian Pedro Porro; I’m sure that’s a good sign
- His numbers aren’t that Porro-esque though, with Vanderson being extremely aggressive but more of a runner than a passer, beating players at will with his pace
- He’s more heavily involved defensively than Porro tends to be as well; but remember, he’s playing in the French league so take that with a grain of salt
- He’d be a pretty damn good Ange-ball right back, though there are some questions around his fit in an inverted role
- Finally, we have one with good sourcing! Bruno Andrade, Brazilian / Portuguese football expert, Alasdair Gold, and Fabrizio Romano have all affirmed Spurs’ interest in Vanderson
- Except… these links seem to have gone completely quiet since the signing of Archie Gray, who will likely spend time at right back this season
Guano Meter: 3/5 – This one would have been a 2 – except for the recent radio silence and the signing of Gray. It is possible though if Lange and co decide Gray will be used exclusively in midfield that Spurs still go in for the Brazilian.
Marc Guehi
- Arguably one of England’s best players at the Euros (that’s a low bar, I know), the center back is currently plying his trade at Crystal Palace
- Honestly, Guehi is good. Too good to come to Spurs to sit on the bench; which begs the question, why would Guehi come here? Unless there are some… plans… with Cristian Romero I don’t know about
- That’s the scenario in which Guehi would potentially be a target, and it’s not really one I want to entertain when there’s so much other business to do
- Palace won’t exactly be keen to let him go, either, after selling winger Michael Olise to Bayern and easing their burden under PSR
- Speaking of which, Palace are reportedly asking for £70 million for Guehi; too rich for my blood without a sale
- Plenty of other sides are linked as well, with Manchester United, Arsenal, and Liverpool all mentioned
- There’s lots of reporting on Spurs’ interest, with Gold, Law, and Sami Mokbel all saying Tottenham are keen on Guehi, but all also agreeing that any move is unlikely
Guano Meter: 4/5 – If Spurs sell a starting center back, then this one jumps up the list. The chances of that happening, though, are small.
That’s it for this installment. Hope you enjoyed your cocktail of juice garnished with ridiculousness; it’s what you were promised after all. Welcome to Bat Country.