The summer is over and so too now is the inevitable piss-take two-week September heatwave that always arrives to rub it in after July and August are damp disappointments. More importantly the first month of the Premier League season is also now behind us, as mercifully is that first awful mood-hoovering, momentum-killing international break. It’s back to Barclays, baby.
What better time, then, to rank the general mood across each of the 20 clubs, from the giddiest Aussie-inspired happy-clappers to those whose club is lurching shambolically from one crisis to the next? No better time, is the answer to that. You can see our now heroically wrong summer rankings in brackets and read all the bollocks we said about them here…
20) Manchester United (15)
People get funny about Manchester United fans feeling glum about shit. “Entitled”, “don’t know they’re born”, “bet they’re not even from Manchester anyway” and other such ribaldry. But the thing is, Manchester United fans, players and staff do inevitably have different expectations to Sheffield United or Brentford or 99 per cent of football clubs. That’s not weird, it’s normal. There are plenty of teams who right now would riotously and righteously celebrate avoiding relegation as a fantastic season. We all understand that, yet pretend not to understand when fans of United or Chelsea or whoever watch their team under-achieve and get grumpy about it.
The other thing with United, though, is that their sheer scale remains transcendent in a way that not even Liverpool and certainly not anyone else in England can match, and there’s also just a metric fuckton of shit going off at the club right now. They’ve made a complete mess of dealing with one player accused of sexual assault, ultimately halfway doing almost the right thing under extreme duress but then not even really following through on that meaning everyone from reasonable human beings on one side to hard-right Elon Musk-liking incels on the other thinks they’re c***s. And now they’ve started down the exact same road with another player. The owners are widely despised but won’t fuck off without getting all of the money, and the fanbase is split on whether they want Qatar to come in and spend all their filthy lucre or whether they want one of the nice, cuddly, unproblematic billionaires that definitely exist to come in and do slightly less of the same thing.
And as all this unpleasantness plays out: the manager Erik ten Hag appears in a semi-permanent huff; the local media are engaged in an increasingly desperate and deranged bid to prove that spending £72m on a striker who has scored nine goals in Serie A wasn’t a bit mad (current compelling evidence: ran around a bit in a game United lost; did a swear into a megaphone on international duty); Jadon Sancho and the manager are at loggerheads; Harry Maguire is still there; and they’ve lost the only two games they’ve played against decent teams this season while winning their other two games in the least convincing manner imaginable.
Even at a normal club, it would be a vexing start. And this, in the inimitable words of Michael Spicer’s football pundit, is Manchester United Football Club we’re talking about. It’s a multi-layered shitshow.
19) Chelsea (20)
It’s another fucking mess, isn’t it? Mauricio Pochettino needed a good start and hasn’t had it. Their only win came against Luton at home – destined to be viewed among the easier three points to acquire in Premier League history – while they’ve been beaten at West Ham and at home by Nottingham Forest.
As we’ve said before, though, the thing that really pisses us off with this billion-pound Chelsea is just how irredeemably drab they are despite spending all that money on players and employing an exciting and progressive coach. They’re rubbish, clearly, but rubbish in a sort of dreary and depressing way rather than a spectacular imploding Galactico catastrofuck way that would at least be far more entertaining and enjoyable for the rest of us. Step back from it all, and they’ve got so little to show for all that spending and all those eight-year contracts and amortisation. A jumbled, confused mess of a squad and a manager who already looks weary of it.
They will get better because they pretty much have to, by definition, but how much better? Enough to keep Pochettino in a job for long enough to make some tangible progress? Or does it all get ripped up and started again in four months’ time amid another flurry of underwhelming January additions? What is the point of it all? Say what you like about Roman Abramovich’s Chelsea, but at least you could see some on-field point and purpose – and results – to that project beyond just a rich bastard trying to show everyone how clever he is.
18) Everton (16)
Fucking hell. They’re shit. They’re boring in attack. They’re not boring in defence. They are already relying on the (admittedly likely) scenario of three teams being even worse to grimly extend their long unbroken run in the top flight for another 12 months. It can’t go on like this, surely. You almost feel like getting relegated and sorting themselves out properly might be for the best in the long run. Do a Villa. Knowing Everton, though, they’d end up doing a Sunderland. So maybe don’t do that. But for the love of Christ, please stop being this shit. You’re bringing the mood of the whole league down, lads. There’s only so much hummel kits can do to make up for the general and overbearing fog of misery that hovers over Everton and infects absolutely everything they touch. The rumoured takeover might help, but knowing Everton they’d only make a bollocks of that as well.
Yep.
Really hope these fears are misplaced, but Everton may be going from the frying pan into the fire with this change of ownership. 777’s sporting returns at their network of other clubs so far is…not good. https://t.co/JGaW6SKdve
— Colin Millar (@Millar_Colin) September 15, 2023
17) Burnley (6)
Really, we’ve learned nothing at all about Burnley beyond the fact that a team that got itself promoted in fine style playing good football under a young but exciting manager is going to get absolutely cooked by the better teams in this league. Yeah, we knew that. Burnley aren’t going to Dyche their way to survival this time, they’re going to play their way to it. Or at least try to. We hope they don’t lose their nerve, because most teams in this league are not as good as Aston Villa, Spurs and especially Man City.
16) Sheffield United (8)
They’re not going to come last, which is something. And the 2-2 draw with Everton highlighted the myriad flaws of both but did offer some tantalising glimpses of a quite promising attacking set-up, which is something most of the other teams set for the relegation scrap lack.
Judging anything based on how it works against Everton must be done cautiously, but there was plenty there to suggest Cameron Archer, Gus Hamer and Oli McBurnie’s varied yet complementary skillsets should at the very, very least be eminently watchable.
15) Luton (3)
Reality is biting hard. Luton fans won’t mourn relegation, but we suspect they’ll be able to enjoy the season considerably more when and if they’ve got past Derby’s infamous 11-point 2007/8 campaign. Conversely, we suspect Derby fans are keeping a close eye on the Hatters’ efforts.
14) Wolves (17)
It’s… not as bad as it might have been? The summer was a mess, culminating in Julen Lopetegui huffing off at the worst possible time. Had he carried out his initial threat to huff off earlier in the summer, at least Wolves would have had time to prepare. As it was, Gary O’Neil of clearing up Scott Parker’s mess fame was chucked in at another deep end. And they’ve been okay. They were unlucky to lose at Manchester United, but the performance offered plenty of encouragement, the win at Everton was the earliest recorded six-pointer success in Barclays history and most importantly while nobody is expecting Wolves’ season to be all sunshine and flowers, there do appear to be at least three teams worse than them.
We feared for them, we really did. But it’s probably going to be fine. But they’re existing rather than living, and have been since the high points of the Nuno Espirito Santo days.
13) Bournemouth (11)
Performances are outstripping results, but that was a harsh opening set of four games with defeats to Liverpool and Spurs unlikely to prove necessarily season-defining. A point at Brentford is never a bad result for anyone, even if Bournemouth will rue how close they came to snaffling all three, while the opening-day draw against West Ham looks far better in hindsight than it did at the time. Andoni Iraola has clear and good ideas about how he wants them to play, completed some eye-catching transfer business and I think we’re all quite excited to see how they go against teams more on their level. The good news is that the fixture list takes a much-needed inevitable turn for the easier this weekend with the visit of Chelsea.
12) Fulham (12)
Nagging sense they just need to be slightly careful to ensure this season doesn’t get in any way unpleasant. Have already been on the wrong end of fearful tonkings from Manchester City and Brentford, while beating Everton gets only so much credit because they are Everton. The point at Arsenal was good and fun but we just have this feeling we can’t shift that this is going to be a season of regression. There are enough real shit teams that Fulham shouldn’t be in any real danger, but we’re also not sure it’s going to be a great amount of fun.
11) Crystal Palace (14)
Crystal Palace without Wilfried Zaha feels strange and discombobulating so it’s perhaps for the best that Roy Hodgson and his crumped owl of a face are sat reassuringly in the dugout like nothing’s happened. There must be some constancy in this crazy mixed-up world.
Palace have made an absolutely fine start to the season, too, with a couple of wins over likely relegation scrappers, a defeat to Arsenal that is of no real consequence and a creditable draw at Brentford in a fixture that neither team, in accordance with ancient Barclays scripture, is ever permitted to win.
10) Newcastle (4)
Minor grumblings can just start to be heard. The summer didn’t bring the extravagance some may have hoped for after last season’s accelerated overachievement of snagging fourth ahead of a shambling gaggle of dozey Big Six sillies. Especially Liverpool, but especially Spurs and especially Chelsea. The one real big name signing, Sandro Tonali, doesn’t really want to be there, inexplicably preferring Via Monte Napoleone to the Bigg Market, and the defensive solidity on which last season’s success was largely built appears to be showing significant signs of wear and tear.
A team that didn’t suffer its third Premier League defeat until March last season matched that total by the first weekend of September this time around. It’s not great. The mood is still generally positive, though, with their trumpeted return to the Champions League key to that although it will now take place in the sort of group you might revel in if things were all going well but with their current form looks daunting as all hell.
9) Brentford (10)
Still rumbling on just quietly and contentedly doing their thing, but it’s been an ever so slightly glass-half-empty, piss-on-your-cornflakes start to the season for the Bees. They’re still unbeaten after four games, which is good, but they’ve led in every one of those four games this season and won only once, which is bad.
8) Aston Villa (5)
Quite a silly start to the season really, in which they’ve suffered heavy defeats to two very good teams and administered a pair of hefty beatings to a couple of weaker ones and thus we still don’t really know where we stand with Villa. Will they kick on from last year or not? We’re still minded to think the answer is yes. Further good news comes with the extra Europa Conference play-off games proving the most minor extra exertion imaginable, and the beginning of the group stage next week is an obvious boon for a club that will feel it really ought to be playing European football on the semi-regular.
7) Nottingham Forest (9)
Yeah, it’s all right isn’t it? They look stronger than last season despite the loss of Brennan Johnson to Tottenham’s bench, while many relegation stragglers and certainly the promoted teams look weaker than last year. It all points to a cosy 14th-place finish playing some decent football under a decent manager, but at the same time it always feels like it could suddenly and utterly go all to absolute shit. Might not, though, and for now they look like a team that should stay in the Premier League with something to spare and for that to be where Forest are now considering where they were a few years ago really is something.
6) Liverpool (18)
Eighteenth was silly. We were being silly. But last season was really disappointing, and it’s going to hit hard when those Champions League nights kick in and Liverpool are nowhere to be seen. Had a very good transfer window in the end, despite being a significant target for Saudi Arabia’s largesse, and managed to avoid taking any damage in negotiating the early weeks of the season without a properly functioning midfield. Ten points on the board from four games is very good anyway, but especially when the general trajectory from here should if anything be upward.
Dominik Szoboszlai is one of the more exciting additions to the Premier League this season, and Jurgen Klopp seems a bit more like his old self after getting far too grumpy far too often last year. He’s always been prone to it, but last season brought out the worst in him. Keeping Mo Salah out of Saudi Arabia’s clutches was another fillip, and the early evidence is that this season they will be up there with Arsenal as the teams trailing furthest forward in Manchester City’s wake, which is progress of sorts at least.
5) Brighton (7)
Lovely team, lovely manager, lovely football, lovely business model. Lovely. Got thoroughly Moyesed by West Ham which was a bit of a pisser but overall the mood is quite rightly fabulous. Have another load of good new players to replace the ones sold at top-dollar prices, and they’ve also managed to have the next Harry Kane emerge from their academy which is a right bonus. They’ve also got a wonderfully proper Europa League draw for their maiden European campaign. Ajax, Marseille, AEK Athens. That’s how you do Europe. Storied teams in great cities; proper European tour, that.
4) Arsenal (13)
‘Feels like the start of next season is of outsized importance for Arsenal, because this season remains absolutely fine if it’s a launching pad for something. If, as all Arsenal fans fear openly or secretly, it turns out to be a bit of a one-off then it will forever be bittersweet.’
That was our verdict in June, and it’s been broadly fine. Definite sense that results have outstripped performance at the start of this season, but hopefully Mikel Arteta has got all the fannying about out of his system now without Arsenal suffering any proper material consequence in the early league table. They’re not going to win the league this season, but they’re going to be pretty good and probably finish second or third. Finishing second or third without ever thinking you’re going to win the league is much, much better for the soul and complexion than being way out in front, thinking you’re going to win it, bottling it completely and then having to insist you didn’t.
Also have a distinctly Europa League draw for their return to the Champions League top table, setting things up nicely for the inevitable last-16 paddling off Bayern Munich in which Harry Kane scores dubiously awarded penalties in both legs to reopen old wounds.
3) West Ham (2)
Strange one this, because we had them second when we last did this back in June when post-Conference giddiness was at its height and now they’re pretty high up the list again. Suggests it’s all been plain sailing and sunshine and lollipops at the London Stadium. Between June and August, though, there was an undoubtedly a slump as reality hit and the Hammers struggled to get new bodies into the squad.
West Ham ultimately left their transfer business pretty late, but did it pretty well once they got round to it. And with doom-laden predictions of another relegation battle thus far proving way off the mark, thoughts instead turn to another tilt at qualifying for Europe through the league. They’ve had their fun on those European nights as well in the last few seasons, culminating in last season’s Europa Conference success – a genuine and meaningful one for the Hammers, who quite rightly have no time for the sneering miseries who would attempt to dismiss or even mock it. Even David Moyes appears to be enjoying himself, having started the season a pretty warm sack-race favourite.
2) Manchester City (1)
Serene, in a way that just about no other club on earth losing a player of Kevin De Bruyne’s calibre for an extended period of time could be. Going to win the league again, aren’t they? Erling Haaland going to win all the individual pots and pans, isn’t he? Nobody to live with them, is there?
Weird thing about this season is that we’ve never been quite so certain at this early stage that City are definitely going to win it, while having not one clue about anything that might happen from second to about 10th.
1) Tottenham (19)
Haha. Nineteenth! Look at them now, giddy as heck and gorging themselves silly on lovely football and having a manager who doesn’t hold the players, club and fanbase in open contempt. Turns out that’s quite nice. It won’t last, of course. It’s Spurs, it never does, but they are ready to get hurt again. While they did a lot of very good transfer business as well as appointing a manager capable of spotting they’d bought a £100m central midfielder for £25m a year ago, it’s not quite been the complete rebuild that was required. It never realistically could be, of course. But even so, Spurs are now at the total mercy of the injury and suspension gods until January. Especially at centre-back where cover is not so much thin as absent altogether. Luckily, one of their two available centre-backs is the legendarily calm and reliably sensible Cristian Romero who is absolutely never injured or suspended.
But tits to all that, it’s for another day. Spurs are Spurs again, for better and for worse. The football is lovely to watch, and in a big part that’s because of rather than despite the high-wire fragility of it all.
The players are doing absolute bits but it’s the manager who’s changed the mood. It’s a staggering turnaround and the most instructive element of it all is the Harry Kane Saga. For a manager new to Our League to handle that as positively and adroitly as Postecoglou did, without a moment’s self-pity or a single solitary attempt to deploy it as a Get Out Of Jail Free card is quite something. It doesn’t take huge imagination to picture how Antonio Conte might have dealt with Spurs selling arguably their greatest ever player in the week before the season began.
Think of the mood around this club in April and May. Then imagine them selling Kane two days before the season started but still beginning the season on a wave of positivity that has only grown in the month that’s followed. Literally impossible to conceive of it.
We’re still annoyed at Postecoglou for ever so slightly abandoning his principles and tossing off the Carabao in a season where Spurs have no European games. But even that cloud has a silver lining, leaving Spurs near certain to be the freshest team in the land for the second half of a season that really could be a memorable one. We’re still sticking to our pre-season position of Spurs definitely being fun but their overall quality being a bit more of a mystery, but the needle has inevitably moved slightly on that after the way they’ve gone about their first four league games – three of which have been away along with a home game against Manchester United who had an unbeaten record at WHL2.
We’re mainly now intrigued to discover precisely how they manage to be 19th again the next time we do this in another couple of months, but an upcoming fixture list containing Arsenal, Liverpool and somehow an absurdly silly 4-3 defeat at Luton offers some clues. Great to have them back.
