We fully expect our wonderful level-headed readers to take this Premier League overrated XI with the good grace in which it was intended.
Feel free to let your feelings be known in the Mailbox or indeed the comments section, not that we predict any disagreement whatsoever as these are entirely objective selections.
GK: David Raya (Arsenal)
Being better than Aaron Ramsdale doesn’t necessarily make for a world-class goalkeeper despite Gooner adamance that Raya is now CLEAR of Alisson, Ederson and the rest as the Premier League’s leading goalkeeper. We weren’t having it last season when William Saliba and Gabriel should have been given at least a couple of fingers of the Golden Glove each and although Raya appears to have gone up a level this term, the stats tell a different story.
Only Alphonse Areola (-3.6), Jose Sa (-3.5), Jordan Pickford (-2.4) and Bernd Leno (-1.4) have a worse PSxG minus goals allowed score than Raya (-1.2). We’ve explained what that stat means in more detail in our full ranking of the top-flight goalkeepers, but essentially Raya has saved fewer shots than he should have done.
But who cares about saving shots? What is this, 2010? He looked very ropey with the ball at his feet in the defeat to Bournemouth, before bringing Evanilson down to concede the penalty.
RB: Ben White (Arsenal)
We’ve been done by the order here and in a bid to lower the temperature among Arsenal fans we can reveal that Ben White is the last Gunners fraud on this list.
We’re very big fans of him treating football purely as a career and impressed he can be quite so good at something he has so little interest in. We’re also absolutely fine with him giving England the finger. The problem’s not him, but Arsenal fans, who can’t conceive of the idea that they would be able to sign someone better.
Suggesting that ten assists and six goals in 142 appearances as a full-back for a title challenger is no great shakes is immediately rebuked by him being Perfect For The Mikel Arteta System, not that they’ve tried anyone else there in the last two seasons to verify that claim.
CB: Cristian Romero (Tottenham)
Impossible not to enjoy watching a centre-back with such a great aversion to defending, other than when given the opportunity to be the centre of attention. Tracking a runner? Nah. Heading the ball clear? Sometimes. Marking someone from a corner? Please. Nailing someone with a sliding tackle as they chase a harmless ball towards the corner flag? You’re goddamn right.
There’s no doubt he’s playing under the perfect manager in Ange Postecoglou, who appears to share many of his defensive values, chiefly that it’s superfluous nonsense that Tottenham won’t stoop to engage in. We would love him to stay but Real Madrid have also apparently been hoodwinked into thinking he’s a top centre-back rather than the truth, that he’s a top footballer, and Spurs may be wise to accept what would have to be a significant offer to steal him away.
CB: Marc Guehi (Crystal Palace)
There were plenty of Crystal Palace fans before the season even started who suggested that they had let the wrong centre-back leave. And while £30m Joachim Andersen thrives back at Fulham, £70m Guehi has led his team to three draws and five defeats to start the season.
Not all his fault of course and Palace have actually only conceded 11 goals, the same number as Fulham, with goalscoring their real problem. But Guehi is somehow now in a situation where he’s struggling to live up to a transfer fee despite not actually making a transfer.
LB: Levi Colwill (Chelsea)
We’re just not sure whether we quite get it. Enzo Maresca does and so too does Lee Carsley, but Colwill still looks a bit iffy to us.
He does some excellent things – the goal-line clearance against Greece springs to mind – and he’s clearly got all of the physical attributes required to be a top Premier League centre-back, along with a decent range of passing and the ability to dribble out of defence.
But he doesn’t seem to be hugely aware of what’s going on around him and that means there’s always a mistake brewing. There’s about a 50/50 chance of that error rearing its head right now, which will be passed off as inexperience, but for us that ratio means he’s not a cert to become the world-class defender many seem to believe he already is.
CM: Enzo Fernandez (Chelsea)
There is now a large portion of the Chelsea fanbase that have come round to the idea that the World Cup winner isn’t all that, but there remains a significant group of Enzo stans wedded to the idea that he’s a genius playmaker stymied by his teammates and the various managers who have tried and failed to get a tune out of him. They’ll get there, though.
Even the most blinkered won’t be able to watch Moises Caicedo and Romeo Lavia at the base of Chelsea’s midfield for long and claim Enzo is deserving of a place in the side. A 32.3 per cent win rate with Enzo Fernandez compared to 84.2 per cent without him provides compelling evidence that he’s the one doing the stymying.
AM: Andreas Pereira (Fulham)
Different to the majority of the players in this XI in that it’s those that aren’t members of his own fanbase doing the overrating. They make judgements mainly on his stats, which paint a picture of a creative genius Manchester United were daft to let go, and the fact that he’s playing reasonably regularly for Brazil, who have presumably been similarly duped by him creating more chances in the Premier League (24) than anyone but Dwight McNeil (25) and Bukayo Saka (27).
The neutrals don’t see his misdirected passes, limp shots and arm-flapping on a weekly basis like the Fulham fans, many of whom have grown very tired of Pereira taking a good corner once in a while and doing little else besides.
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AM: Dominik Szoboszlai (Liverpool)
At one stage last season we were all drooling over his knuckle-ball shots and fascinated by the revelation that his dad had made him wear boots that were too small for him in a bid to improve his shooting prowess.
He’s got eight goals in 57 appearances for Liverpool. Let’s not beat around the bush – for someone playing as the most attacking midfielder in at worst the third-best team in the Premier League, that is a pretty terrible return.
He’s made seven assists in that time and has looked particularly slow on the ball this season, seemingly taking an age to make a decision and normally taking the wrong option. £60m feels like a lot of money right now.
RW: Anthony Gordon (Newcastle)
We’re starting to think we may have been right in the first place. Well, maybe not right, but not quite so wrong.
We all laughed at Chelsea trying to buy Gordon and then Newcastle eventually snapping him up for £45m. He could beat a defender but the end product was mixed to put it kindly and Gordon ran the ball out of play just as frequently as he got himself into positions to shoot or deliver crosses.
That’s not far off the player we’ve seen this season after he made us all look a bit silly with 11 goals and ten assists in his debut campaign for Newcastle. We can’t imagine Liverpool coming back in for him at this rate.
ST: Brennan Johnson (Tottenham)
That run of seven goals in seven games for club and country was good going but there was more than a touch of stat-padding against Coventry, Qarabag, Ferencvaros and Iceland, and we’ve still got quite a strong sense that Johnson might actually be a bit sh*t at football.
Whole games go by without us noticing anything positive he’s done until he pops up with a goal, which is fine if you’re Erling Haaland and will definitely keep scoring, but we don’t think Brennan Johnson is Erling Haaland and he may need to offer something besides. Something that we don’t think he’s got in his locker.
LW: Alejandro Garnacho (Manchester United)
We understand the Manchester United fans’ urge to cling to any sort of hope right now and with that in mind you Red Devils can count yourself very fortunate that our editor-in-chief Sarah Winterburn wasn’t compiling this XI as Kobbie Mainoo would have been patrolling the midfield and DOING NOTHING had she had her way.
Garnacho is fine, good even, but is essentially living off an overhead kick against Everton 11 months ago, and has been deified by a fanbase lacking worthy individuals to put on a previously packed pedestal. Put simply, Garnacho would not be anywhere near the Manchester United first XI had he been playing at any point in the first two decades of the Premier League.
