Manchester City 0-4 Tottenham: Player ratings to the theme of Spurs photos that look holy

What a match! What a win! What a performance! Tottenham Hotspur got the vibes back in calibration on Saturday at the Etihad, rolling out to a 0-4 win over the four-time defending champions and doing it with STYLE. Tottenham being Pep Guardiola’s bogey team will never not be hilarious to me, and the win puts Spurs back into sixth, just four points out of 2nd.

The season’s not over yet. This was a match that was super fun to watch. So don’t be one of those social media curmudgeons who tries to yuck your yum by bringing up the Ipswich loss or Tottenham’s inconsistencies — tell those chuckleheads to go jump in a lake. Games like this are meant to be enjoyed, so enjoy it and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Today’s theme comes from a thread on Bluesky where viewers were encouraged to post “photos that aren’t religious but look holy.” Naturally, I posted a Tottenham photo to the thread, and also naturally this eventually became a player ratings theme. Religious art, but make it Spurs. Seems like a fun theme after a particularly fun match.

This is another one of those themes where there are no BAD photos, just category headers. And I had more photos than categories, so I crammed them in wherever I could. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Spurs photos that look holy.

5 stars:

I’ve used this image before, but it’s so damn good. It’s practically a Caravaggio, and you can almost see the chiaroscuro.

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 5.0): Googly Elmo had five saves, but it felt like he had about 15, most of them spectacular. Pretty good shutting out a team that had 23 shots and an xG of 2.14. AND he did some shithousery, too!

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 5.0): James Maddison might have had two goals in the first half, but Kulusevski arguably played even better, and on the wing! His cross to Madders for the first goal was sublime, was key in the buildup in Spurs’ third goal, and probably should’ve scored himself. He is, without hyperbole, Tottenham’s best player right now.

James Maddison (Community — 5.0): Welcome back, Madders. A first half brace showed that while he was in a bit of a slump he has bags of ability. Both of his goals were very, very well taken and a lot harder than they looked on television, particularly the lofted second goal over Ederson.

Ange Postecoglou (Community — 5.0): I’m not sure any Spurs manager in the past 30 years has done more with less than Postecoglou, and this match should hopefully put to bed the zombie narrative that he’s uncompromising and never changes or tweaks his tactics. Just a masterful setup and performance.

4.5 stars:

Lucas Moura’s Tottenham legacy is… complicated, but he did give us one of the holiest moments in modern Spurs history.

Radu Dragusin (Community — 4.5): Two weeks after I basically wrote him off, Radu turned in a super solid defensive performance. He’s a good on-the-ball defender, but what impressed me the most was his long pass from the back to Deki that set up the first goal. Where’s that Internet Apology Form? I apologize, Radu — I wasn’t familiar with your game.

Ben Davies (Community — 4.5): Every time Ben Davies plays CB for Spurs I inwardly squee with terror, and every time he just goes out and puts together a super solid, non-flashy defensive performance. He’s just a GOOD reserve defender for Spurs in his old age, and I need to stop being surprised by that.

Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 4.5): An inspirational performance by Sarr who seemed to pop up all over the pitch, springing chances and making defensive stops. I don’t know if he’ll reach superstar status for Tottenham, but the things he does well for Spurs he does VERY well. If he could learn to dribble a guy or create shots he’d be a monster (there’s still time).

4 stars:

Photo by Alex Pantling/Getty Images

Maddison and Brennan — a modern-day Pietà but it’s celebratory, not sad.

Pedro Porro (Community — 4.5): Two weeks ago Spurs fans were demanding he be sold to Madrid or whoever would pay for him. Today he put in another very solid offensive performance capped by a well taken counter attack goal. A couple of minor defensive gaffes but that should take away from an overall strong match.

Destiny Udogie (Community — 4.0): Got a decent rest over the international break, which he desperately needed, and he put together one of his better matches this season.

Yves Bissouma (Community — 4.0): After picking up a yellow card inside a minute, I was very worried about Yves but he was excellent the rest of the match, making some crunching tackles and dropping deep to help out defensively. Now stay healthy.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.5): Ange Postecoglou’s gameplan was to focus attacks on the wings and Sonny was one of the main beneficiaries of this plan. He set up Madders’ second goal and looked dangerous the entire match; had he scored from that curling shot, he’d be five stars, easy.

Dominic Solanke (Community — 4.0): Dom’s final stat line isn’t gaudy — 90’, 1 shot, 1 assist, 0.12 xG, only 26 touches, But much like Harry Kane used to do, he dropped deep into midfield to draw out defenders and create chances. His off the ball work is so underappreciated and his unselfishness helped create multiple chances for other players in this match. His cutback pass to Porro was pure Ange-Ball.

3.5 stars:

Photo by Catherine Ivill/Getty Images

Dele praising God, taunting the Philistines.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 4.0): It’s almost hilarious how Johnson is able to come on, barely see the ball, and still be at the back post in time to tap in an extra time goal. He truly is the Lionel Messi of Nacer Chadlis.

Timo Werner (Community — n/a): Timo really shouldn’t get a rating here based on when he came on, but watching him absolutely obliterate Kyle Walker for pace and put in a lovely ball to the back post for Johnson to tap in was just so, so fun.

3 stars:

Someday, Tottenham Hotspur fans. Someday.

It’s the sign of a good match that there are no Tottenham Hotspur players in this category, or any of the ones below it.

2.5 stars

Getty Images

Jesus cleansing the temple.

Nope, nobody here either.

2 stars:

Psalms 89:50-51 — Remember, Lord, how your servant has been mocked, how I bear in my heart the taunts of all the nations, the taunts with which your enemies, LORD, have mocked, with which they have mocked every step of your anointed one.

Just filling out the categories.

1.5 stars:

David vs. Goliath, only Goliath is the good guy.

I just wanted an excuse to post this photo.

1 star:

No Tottenham players were worse than losing a Champions League semifinal at home to a last-gasp final kick of the game goal, right Ajax fans?

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

PA Images via Getty Images

What is a holy photo collection without a depiction of the Devil?

Lucas Bergvall, Djed Spence

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award

Guglielmo Vicario — Tottenham haven’t deployed the Dark Arts under Ange as much as I would have expected (or even like) but Vicario going down with a “calf injury” near the end of the first half and burning up a couple of quality minutes while Spurs were up 2-0 ranks up there with some of the best shithousery incidents under Ange’s tenure. You will never convince me that this wasn’t a planned maneuver.