It’s never fun to lose. It’s worse when you just flat out play poorly. That’s pretty much what happened on Saturday when Tottenham Hotspur traveled to the midlands and lost 2-1 to Aston Villa. It had all the usual elements we’ve come to expect from Tottenham losses this spring — an early goal, anemic offensive play, defensive breakdowns, and a Harry Kane goal. That said, if it weren’t for the stupid offside rule we totally would’ve won like 10-2.
I know I’m known for distracting people after a bad loss with a particularly noteworthy theme, so I’ve been sitting on this one for a while. You know how fast food restaurants like to create the illusion of scarcity by releasing and then taking away seasonal or limited edition food items? Think of the KFC Double-Down, basically a bacon sandwich with the bun replaced by two pieces of fried chicken. (It’s back, btw!) Some of these items become regulars, while others fade away into obscurity. It’s time to rank them. My colleagues and I in the Carty Free Slack put our heads together to come up with a ranked list of our favorite seasonal fast food items. How many of these do you remember?
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of limited edition American fast food items.
5 stars: McDonalds Shamrock Shake
What exactly IS the flavor of a Shamrock Shake? Mint? Lime? Vanilla cookie? Nobody knows and the company ain’t telling, but whatever it is it’s delicious and violently green and makes me look forward to spring every year.
LOL nope nobody here
4.5 stars: Culver’s Butter Borscht Burger
A number of years ago when Culver’s decided to make a special edition of their Butter Burger topped with cooked beets, cabbage, and fresh dill in support of Ukraine, it earned a lot of side-eyes. We shouldn’t have been worried, as it was remarkably delicious. Just don’t spill it on your shirt.
Hahaha nobody’s here either
4 stars: Wendy’s secret menu mushroom risotto
“Secret” menu items are all the rage these days in fast food (get your In-N-Out burger “animal style”) but Wendy’s went so far as to not to utter a peep about its secret mushroom risotto to anyone apart from at the highest levels of restaurant management, letting word spread mouth to mouth about their savory Italian offering. Not every restaurant offers it either, and inquiring about it almost inducts you into a secret society as usually it’s only eaten by Wendy’s employees. Damn tasty risotto, though.
Look buddy it was a bad match, whaddya want?
3.5 stars: Cinnabon’s Oops! All Icing!
Once marketed as a gluten free alternative to its usual cinnamon rolls, Oops! All Icing! turned out to be just three quarters cup of white glazing inside a Cinnabon box. Which, actually, might completely be your jam but it was discontinued after a couple of months when the American Dental Association issued a rare condemnation.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 3.5): Welcome back, Yves. Tottenham have been a hot mess in the midfield without both Bissouma and Rodrigo Bentancur, and as soon as Yves came in for Oliver Skipp in the second half Spurs got better. He’s not a progressive passer, but he offers things that Skippy just doesn’t so I hope to see more of him in the last two games.
Harry Kane (Community — 3.0): Again starved for service by his midfield and forced ever deeper in an attempt to get the ball. Converted his penalty well, but missed a sitter when he shot straight at the keeper. It’s more and more obvious that he’s got the whole team on his shoulders.
3 stars: Taco Bell Taco Belt
Back in the mid-aughties, Taco Bell experimented with some truly wild promotions, none crazier than selling a family pack menu option that was literally a bandolier of eight crunchy tacos for $5, worn over the shoulders and with a cardboard sombrero. Everybody loves Taco Bell crunchy tacos, but customers balked after wearing the taco belts in the car and having the seat belt crush them. It didn’t last.
Emerson Royal (Community — 3.0): I really didn’t have too many complaints about Royal in this one though he was less impactful than he was last weekend.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.0): Provided a spark as a second half substitute and flashed a really tricky low shot just wide of the post.
Clement Lenglet (Community — 2.5): IDK, he was fine?
Ryan Mason (Community — 2.0): Honestly I understand the tactical approach — Villa play with a high line which in theory should make them susceptible to long passes over the top for our attackers to run onto. And it would’ve worked if not for that pesky offside rule. Sad! (That said he could’ve made some adjustments earlier.)
2.5 stars: DQ Whoopsie-Doodles
The idea was simple: a log-shaped cake roll filled with DQ soft-serve (chocolate or vanilla!) and covered in hard-shell chocolate to make it easy to eat in the car or on the go. And they were truly tasty! But manufacturing and ingredient inconsistencies at times left the product looking a little lumpy, and the Whoopsie-Doodles name had an unfortunate pop culture connotation that really turned consumers off. The product was quickly pulled from shelves and replaced with a limited edition “Fruit Gushers” Blizzard.
Fraser Forster (Community — 2.5): Had a couple of smart saves especially in the first half vs. Bailey but maaaaaaaaan he really really should’ve kept that second goal out.
Cuti Romero (Community — 2.5): It’d be slightly harsh to blame him solely for diving in ahead of Villa’s first goal (that was a team catastrophe) but he gave up the free kick for Villa’s second and looked out of control. I feel like he’s trying to do too much, he needs a stabilizing, Vertonghen-esque presence beside him in the back line.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.0): On the one hand I appreciate the number of times that Sonny was able to get in behind Villa’s high back line. On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how many times you get in behind if you’re offside every time. Sonny also hit the post after rounding the keeper. One of those days, I guess.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.0): Hojbjerg was one half of a disastrous central midfield duo, but at least Pierre set up one chance in this match.
Ben Davies (Community — 2.5): Was he even there? I honestly can’t remember a single thing he did or didn’t do on the pitch, which is probably bad.
2 stars: Burger King’s Hand
In the height of the pandemic, the saga of the King’s Hand was a viral tweet thread that gave joy to so many of us stuck in our homes. What wasn’t known was that the #brands were paying attention. A Burger King’s Hand — really a hand-shaped flame-grilled Whopper with a greek salad topping — was tested at several BKs in the midwest, but never made it to full production after consumers reacted with outright revulsion, proving once again that you shouldn’t let your young edgelord Twitter admins have a voice in your product development.
I had a dream where there was a food called “King’s Hand”, a hollow hand made of m&m cookie, filled with Greek salad.
I could not stop thinking about it.
Here is the culmination of a week long effort. pic.twitter.com/tMVutcj9H8— neo-cannolialist (@thatfrood) December 6, 2020
Oliver Skipp (Community — 2.0): Speaking as someone who likes Oliver Skipp and wants him to be successful, he is simply not doing it for me. Tons of loose passing, was a traffic cone defensively. I don’t think he’s (necessarily) a bad player, but he’s playing very badly right now and is a very poor tactical fit with Hojbjerg.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.0): Was hung out to try a bit by Romero but defended Ramsey pretty loosely for Villa’s first goal. Passed pretty poorly and didn’t do enough on the offensive end, which is why we bought him. Bad match.
Richarlison (Community — 2.0): Might be one of his worst performances in a Spurs shirt, with the caveat that he wasn’t getting any help from midfield. Offside and off the pace. Just really disappointing after a pretty solid match last weekend.
1 star: McDonalds McRib
It’s liquified pork scraps covered in substandard barbecue sauce with a couple of pickle slices. Why do people like this and why can’t it go away forever?
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the McRib. Fight me.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating:
Arnaut Danjuma, Ivan Perisic
