Well, that wasn’t fun. Tottenham Hotspur crumbled against possibly the worst Chelsea side in years, and the performance has started raising questions among many in the Spurs fandom. While I still think it’s way too early to start casting doubts on Ange Postecoglou’s long-term future as Spurs boss, the constant questioning brings to mind several conversations lately with my eldest daughter.
Or more accurately, interrogations. Why? Why? Why? Why?
Kids are wonderful, fulfilling, and can add so much to your life. They can also be a total pain in the butt. Much like following a football club! So today, since I’m miserable and I have barely slept (again, thanks to children), we’re ranking the Spurs side against Chelsea by all the awful things young children add to (or take away from) your life.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of worst things about having young kids.
3.5 stars: Constantly being asked ‘why’
Young kids are curious about the world! And that leads them asking lots of questions, though for some reason they are never satisfied with the answer. That devolves into a never-ending cycle of “Why?” questions which gets annoying quick. Why won’t Ange hire a set piece coach? Why won’t Ange give Giovani Lo Celso more minutes? Why can’t half this Spurs side pass a football? Why is Cristian Romero currently our biggest goal threat? You get the picture. Normally, though, if you can keep your patience, you can deflect long enough for them to get bored so this isn’t that bad.
Mickey van de Ven: Probably the one Tottenham starter who didn’t really put much of a foot wrong. Covered for his teammates well in defense, and his dribbles from deep were pretty much the only thing that disrupted the Chelsea defensive shape. I wish he could add more passing to his game, but he’s still young!
Giovani Lo Celso: Only came on in the 86th minute, and immediately created 3 chances. Was the one Spurs player who moved the ball quickly and the tempo of the side immediately jumped up a notch with the Argentine on the field. He has his limitations, but it’s bizarre that Ange hasn’t used him more, especially with James Maddison out of form.
3 stars: Lack of time to yourself
Kids are massively time-consuming. You have evening hobbies? Sorry, that time is now spent on bathing children. You want to head to the gym or the pub after work? Nope, you need to make dinner for the kids. An early morning run? Forget about it! You need to get the little ones ready for school and/or daycare. Look, having kids is a sacrifice, and in most cases you should be going into this experience with eyes open – so if you expect to have the same amount of time pre- and post- kids, it’s kinda your own fault.
Cristian Romero: A decent match with a couple of head-scratcher moments. A couple of dodgy passes put Spurs under pressure, and at times he dawdled too much on the ball when we needed to move the play on, but he was mostly safe at the back and helped drive the team up the pitch. Really needs to get his headers on target, but should you be relying on your center back to be your biggest goal threat? Probably not.
2.5 stars: Inability to get anywhere on time
Kids have this handy habit of becoming more difficult whenever there’s time pressure to get anywhere by a certain time. So not only are you having to remember all sorts of things you’ve never had to think about before (spare clothes, diapers, pacifiers, sunscreen, sweaters), you’re also getting into arguments with toddlers who are refusing to put shoes on, go to the bathroom, or get in the car. You will never be on time again; though it can be a convenient excuse.
Pedro Porro: Porro looks tired: two matches in a week coming off a hamstring injury, and he’s played big minutes this season. Consequently, he struggled with Mudryk’s pace early on, but grew into the game and he was one of the few Spurs players on the pitch who tried to look forward with any consistency.
Yves Bissouma: Bissouma was fine. He made a few good challenges to stop Chelsea breaks, and did a better job than he has been recently to receive the ball from the center backs and turn; but his passing was far too safe and partially responsible for the side’s inability to progress the ball. His defensive positioning around his own box caused issues at times as well.
Rodrigo Bentancur: Probably a substitution that wasn’t needed when chasing a result, but Lolo did inject a nice bit of energy when he came on and often got into good positions. It’s a shame he wasn’t able to do more with those, but that’s not really his game. A decent cameo.
2 stars: Not having any money
Kids cost money. Like, a lot. You want disposable income? Hah! Having kids is like inflation times 1,000. Daycare, school fees, medical bills, clothes, diapers… the list goes on. Say goodbye to any savings you might have, folks.
Son Heung-Min: Yeah, so those who thought shifting Sonny wide might solve his recent struggles were left wanting. The guy is tired, and he struggled a bit in this match. His interplay around the box with his teammates though was probably better than the others in the forward line, and he helped create a couple of chances late. I wish he would take a shot from range more often. His role in the second Chelsea goal when he was caught ball-watching and collided with Hojbjerg nearly marked him down half a star, but he narrowly holds two.
Guglielmo Vicario: Had a shocker of a moment which Chelsea should have punished where he totally misjudged a ball in behind to Jackson. I’m also not convinced that his general nervousness and ability to control his box isn’t at least partially responsible for Spurs’ set piece woes – from which Tottenham conceded two goals. Some of his passing was suspect at times, but on the whole he didn’t have too much to do.
Emerson Royal: Honestly, he wasn’t too bad, but didn’t really add much to the attack (kind of par for the course for Royal) and struggled against Madueke, though the Chelsea winger didn’t make him pay and the Brazilian looked more secure as the match went on. Loses half a star for the totally unnecessary foul that led to Chelsea’s first goal.
Pape Matar Sarr: Sarr hasn’t been the same since he came back from AFCON (see also: Bissouma) and today was more of the same. Some bright moments punctuated by poor giveaways (Chelsea’s first big chance was thanks to his giveaway) and bad decisions on the ball; often opting for the safe option when there were players in better positions to whom he could pass. Part of a midfield who struggled.
Ange Postecoglou: This is probably the match that has raised a lot of questions for Spurs fans. After the side performed pretty well against Arsenal, it was two steps back for this match, with Ange-ball missing in action and some strange substitution decisions. And for the love of God, please get a set-piece coach!
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg: Really struggled to get up to speed when he entered the match, making some strange decisions on the ball and putting the Spurs defense under pressure with some poor passing. But he soon settled, and the side played better with him in the XI, though he didn’t really add much on the ball.
James Maddison: Came on probably too late to make an impact. Didn’t do a lot, which is what we’ve come to expect as of late. One long-range shot attempt sticks out as especially egregious.
Bryan Gil: It was a strange decision to bring on Gil, and he did basically what you’d expect (nothing) – outside of one or two decent passes around the penalty area late. Bullied off the ball a couple of times (who woulda thunk it?).
1.5 stars: Exhaustion and sleepless nights
Over the last few nights, I have had 6 hours, 3.5 hours, 5 hours, then 6 hours of sleep. They say lack of sleep is a form of torture, and they are right. This typically gets better as kids get older, but still – say goodbye to ever having a sleep-in again.
Richarlison: I went back and forth on whether to rank Richy here or whether do give him two stars: it’s hard to put full blame on him as to his lack of involvement when those around him were so poor. Unfortunately, he was as much (if not more) of a culprit than them, terminally offside and unavailable as an option. His hold-up play wasn’t great either, which is the one thing you’d hope he would add. Clearly still rusty coming back from injury.
Brennan Johnson: Some of you may yell at me for this, because all the offense seemingly ran through Johnson at times in this match. But it was pretty clear Chelsea had set up tactically to allow for this, and Johnson did nothing with the space afforded to him. He made one of the worst defensive fullbacks going around in Cucurella look like peak Kyle Walker, and also spurned multiple chances in front of goal to score. 1/6 successful dribbles, 0 free kicks won, and 0/5 successful crosses should tell you all you need to know about his match.
Dejan Kulusevski: There’s something wrong with him. He clearly doesn’t trust his own body, and it makes me wonder (as others have) if he’s carrying a more long term injury than what we’ve been led to believe.
1 star: Bringing the plague home from daycare / school
Kids are germ factories. As a parent, you may think your immune system is good, but children have their own special sort of germ warfare. Expect to spend a solid chunk of time in your first years as parents ill, and not just typical colds – bugs that cause you to lose 4 kg in a single day. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as being infected with the plague by a small child.
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Mickey van de Ven — The side clearly doesn’t like Marc Cucurella. Last time around, it was Cristian Romero with a hair pull; this time Mickey managed to get a sneaky elbow in the jaw in while “jostling” on a corner. Not that I condone violence or anything.