Today is a sad day for fans of the venerable football club FC Bayern Munich. As of September 13, 2024, the GOAT, the legend, the Raumdeuter, Thomas Müller is officially too old to start for the team ever again.
Official sources put his age now at 85 — some say it’s actually 35, but the author could not independently verify these claims because his prescription lenses broke last week. In any case, the effect is clear to see (for anyone who’s been paying attention).
It was Thomas Tuchel who saw the signs last season, keeping Müller glued to the bench for some of the season’s most important games. The stats vindicate this move, as the superannuated Raumdeuter only managed 19 G+A in the entire campaign. For contrast, the young and agile Jamal Musiala, already a much better player in every conceivable way, managed 20 G+A — and as we all know, per 90 statistics are for nerds and bots.
Tuchel rightfully recognized that there was no way for Thomas Müller to contribute to the campaign in his current state, and it’s those hard decisions that helped Bayern Munich achieve an unforgettable season, one of the most memorable in the last fifteen years. Fans will certainly not forget Tuchel in a hurry.
Müller was also unable to make an impact for Germany in the half an hour of game time he managed at EURO 2024, specifically chosen because any more would have made his tired old legs crumble to dust under the pressure. Nagelsmann, knowing the game against Spain was as good as won already, only threw him on at the last minute as a courtesy appearance — to send him off one last time.
Müller announced his retirement from international football right afterward, alongside three other elderly colleagues — İlkay Gündoğan, Toni Kroos, and Manuel Neuer. Nagelsmann, knowing their end was nigh, made sure to limit the participation of these old legends, showing his commitment to youth and the new era of German football. After all, relying on stars of the past so close to retirement would have sent a wrong message.
Vincent Kompany, however, made a faux pas. Perhaps due to his inexperience, he chose to ignore the teachings of his predecessor, and decided to start Thomas against SSV Ulm. The Raumdeuter immediately shocked onlookers by breaking both his knees in the 12th and 14th minute respectively, and later pulled a hamstring while attempting a pass to Harry Kane in the 93rd minute. The pass didn’t even result in anything important, don’t worry about it.
The coach has therefore decided to preserve his player’s remaining anatomy by keeping him away from the pitch for as long as possible. In the game against Wolfsburg, where Bayern Munich were comfortable with a score of (being down) 2-1, Kompany decided to roll the dice again and give Müller an unnecessary outing at the hour mark.
Immediately, this resulted in a goal — Wolfsburg defender Jakub Kamiński, shocked by the presence of a player so old he resembles a draugr from Skyrim, immediately headed the ball into the net. Yes, Müller’s addition directly led to the concession of a goal. (Note: Which side conceded it is not important).
Later, the poor old fella actually fell down while making a pass to Harry Kane, which didn’t result in anything major. Frankly, the game was rather boring, nobody’s even sure how Bayern made it 3-2 in the end. Müller was definitely involved in goals, though —an indictment of his ability to perform at this level.
This should have been the end, but no. In the following game against SC Freiburg, Müller was yet again subbed on at the hour mark, and this time the impact was even more severe. The poor man broke his hip in the 78th minute — such a shame given it was his 710th appearance for the club.
Now, with the international break over and Thomas Müller sporting a shiny new titanium hip, it’s time for Kompany to see the truth and banish his overripe superstar to the bench forever.
Honestly it’s better this way. Rather than see the elderly corpse of Thomas Müller paraded around for no good reason, we can watch Bayern Munich dive headfirst into a generational change that is completely necessary and not at all forced.
Father time catches up to us all, and it’s obvious that Müller’s performances are not comparable to the players he’s competing with. Performance is king after all, and it would be terrible to bench someone if they were performing well. Good thing that’s not the world we live in.
Happy birthday, Thomas! Thanks for the memories, but we can handle it from here!
