Welcome to October, Tottenham fans! October means the beginning of autumn, and the official start of the harvest, “spooky,” and pumpkin spice seasons. So let’s lean into that today. Sure, it might be in the mid-70s Fahrenheit where I am in the world right now, but… do I detect the slightest hint of a nip in the air? I’m sure I do and it has nothing to do with maybe starting a cold.
One of the best things about autumn is decorating to celebrate the season. And with the exception of maaaaybe Christmas-tide, no season gets a better decorating ethos than autumn. You think you’re putting a giant baby chick in your yard every spring? Stop lying, nobody does that. But you sure do for fall.
So here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for the 3-0 away win over Manchester United to the theme of fall decorations.
5 stars: Large Halloween inflatables
When my daughter, now in college, was small, one of our neighbors had this giant inflatable gargoyle that they’d put in their yard every October. My daughter had this fear/love fascination with that gargoyle, such that she’d ask to walk by it all the time and stop on the sidewalk and stare at it with a mix of horror, awe, and fascination. I never had the time, inclination, or readily accessible power outlet in my yard for one of these, but they rule. Someone has probably already marketed a giant inflatable Starbucks cup for your yard.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.5): Nine chances created, including the one he scored from. NINE. At Old Trafford! That’s absurd. It might just be his best all-around performance in a Spurs shirt.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 5.0): He already gets a high rating for just being Micky and having lots of recovery pace and putting in a good defensive performance, but that marauding run and assist to Johnson was exquisite. The run reminded me of Vlad Chiriches’ occasional mazy runs into the opposition third, except that this one was cool and fun and not weird and scary.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.5): Give Ange credit — he got everything spot-on for this match, from the lineup to the slightly tweaked tactics. This team has started to click and I can’t wait to see how they continue to improve.
4.5 stars: Giant fake skeletons just hanging out
If you’re going to decorate for autumn or Halloween, go all-out. Get the giant-ass motion-activated animatronic skeletons you see inside the Party City or the vestibule at Lowe’s and lean into it, man. Let your undead freak flag fly.
James Maddison (Community — 4.0): Seems to have found his creative spark in a partnership with Kulusevski, though in a deeper midfield role. His ability to get fouled (and sell fouls) is an underrated part of his game; he was the guy Bruno fouled to get sent off and it’s a reflection of his influence.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 4.5): Absolutely insane in the press. His workload makes it okay that he maybe hasn’t scored as much as he should at this point in the season, even though he got the late one on Sunday. Ange was right about him and his fit for these tactics.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 4.5): A limited player who does the things he does well very well when given the opportunity to do them. This was a match custom made for BJ’s skills. Made the back post run to tap in Micky’s cross, and then smacked the post with a smart shot later on. Four goals in four games — good stuff.
4 stars: Pumpkins/Jack-O-Lanterns
Now, look — normally I’m not one for leaving fresh produce to rot outside your home, but you gotta admit as far as fall produce goes, pumpkins are pretty swank. They’re big, they’re bright orange (sometimes white or green), and they do look pretty good on your porch steps, don’t they? Plus they carve nicely and everyone loves a good jack-o-lantern around Halloween.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 4.0): There were a lot of good performances in this match, but Lolo’s was almost overlooked. An excellent performance, recycling the ball capably and picking out teammates. Helps that United’s midfield was garbage, of course.
Pedro Porro (Community — 4.0): Basically shut down Garnacho on his side and nearly picked up an assist late. Good match, if overshadowed by others in this one.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 4.0): Solid in possession and going forward in the first half, though mitigated by what was hopefully a precautionary injury substitution at halftime.
3.5 stars: Cornucopia(e)
What exactly is a cornucopia? I don’t feel like this has ever been explained, or why they are ubiquitous symbols of plenty. It’s kind of a shit basket, can’t hold much, tapers down to a small point. Pretty useless. And yet, damned if your dining room table centerpiece won’t be enhanced by one of those suckers stuffed with fall produce. It’s confusing, and I think I’m okay with it.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): It’s not that he had a TON to do against United, who did look dangerous on occasion on the counter, but he certainly earned his rating with a smart stop on Zirkzee. Otherwise commanded his area well.
Cuti Romero (Community — 4.0): Not bad! Not a flashy performance and a couple of small hiccups, but otherwise a solid performance in the back line against what could’ve been (but wasn’t) a tricky United offensive line.
Timo Werner (Community — 3.0): I will die on this hill — this was a good match from Timo. He did well as an outlet and kept Mazraoui pinned in defense, was a willing presser, and opened up a lot of attacking opportunities. Yes, he missed those two chances, but gotta give Onana some credit for making those stops too. If Timo frequently converted those chances, he wouldn’t be at Spurs. Solid match… but yeah, gotta finish those, Timo.
Djed Spence (Community — 4.0): Udogie’s sub, and looked composed on and off the ball playing “out of position” on the left. Fairly solid both going forward and in defense. He’s just a good rotation option at this point, on either flank.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 3.5): The Prime Minister Sarr set up a goal within moments of coming on as a sub, and provided a burst of energy in midfield late. Also headed wide himself.
3 stars: Signs that literally just say “Fall”
People seem to buy these. I do not know why. Do we advertise the summer with giant signs that read “SUMMER”? We do not. But for some reason some people feel like they need to remind people what season it is in autumn by putting out nice reminders in the form of particle board “Fall” signs with colored maple leaf decorations and wire hangers purchased at Michael’s. I will never understand it.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): I appreciate him coming in and trying stuff. At times he looks like he’s a little surprised at the pace of the Premier League; he clearly had more time on the ball in Sweden and is still adapting to English ball, but he was fine out there. Should also give him credit for the corner kick that led to the goal.
Mikey Moore (Community — 3.5): Limited minutes, which is fine at this stage. Had one shot that wasn’t far wide, and that would’ve kicked him pretty high up these ratings had he converted. No issues with Mikey, good shift.
2.5 stars: Miniature decorative gourds
I know it’s decorative gourd season, motherfuckers, but is there anything more useless than those tiny squash? It’s not like you can cook with them, but some marketing genius has convinced a large swath of the populace that they should spend hard-earned money on these things so they can be admired. That said, I swear they have an impervious charm on them or something, because they never seem to decay — they stay exactly as they are in near perpetuity. They are squash Methuselahs. I swear my neighbors have used the same decorative miniature gourds every year for at least a decade.
No Tottenham players in this category.
2 stars: Anything with candy corn
Candy corn is a trash candy and the only thing worse than having to eat candy corn are people who use it as filler inside clear glass jars or as decorative ballast. Using candy corn in that way does reinforce the idea that you should never eat the stuff and instead find alternate uses for it.
No Tottenham players in this category either
1 star: Throwing empty Starbucks pumpkin spice latte cups all over your front yard
You might think you’re decorating for the season, but you’re just littering, pick that shit up. Also you spend too much at Starbucks.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Radu Dragusin
