“‘What’s wrong?’ I yelled. ‘We can’t stop here. This is bat country!'”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Welcome back to Bat Country. You thought you could escape? There is no escape from the all-encompassing black hole that is Bat Country. Transfer window? What transfer window? Rumors abound, and you, dear readers, can only be satiated by the juiciest of transfer tidbits.
What’s that Dustin? You don’t think it’s time to think about transfers?
Shut up, Dustin. What do you know? This is Bat Country. It has a mind of its own and waits for no-one. I have so many rumors at this point I can’t even fit them into a single article.
Refresh yourself on Nathan Bartel’s excellent piece here, where Hunter S Thompson’s term “Bat Country” was first co-opted; as for the here and now, in this semi-regular feature, I’ll be covering all those rumors on which we normally wouldn’t report. The fringe cases. The names that spring up from untold lands, off the beaten path. We’ll discuss mostly incomings, but outgoings too, and try and focus on names we haven’t already talked about elsewhere on the site. Each name will be accompanied by a Guano Meter: a ranking out of 5 that instead of rating how likely we think it is to happen, it instead is the complete opposite. For example, a Guano Meter of 5/5 would be something like Antonio Nusa somehow being able to pass a medical at Tottenham Hotspur (cries quietly).
Pedro Neto
- Portuguese winger playing for Wolves, who tortured Spurs in their 2-0 win over the Lilywhites last month
- God, it would be just so Spurs to sign somebody who played well against us
- He’s pretty good, plays in a position of need, and Wolves would be willing to see for the right price… however, will Tottenham pay that price?
- Quite a bit of smoke around this one. Fabrizio Romano, Gary Jacob at the Times, and Miguel Delaney at the Independent (among others) have all said we are interested
Guano Meter: 2/5 – where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Is he close enough to the top of our list though for the club to fork out hand over foot?
Albert Gudmundsson
- One guess where this guy’s from. Turns out though there’s a couple of Gudmundssons in top-flight football, and this one is a forward at Genoa, NOT at Burnley
- Has the same name as some dude who played for Arsenal in the 40’s. Do not want.
- Wow, those passing numbers. Oh wait, it’s Italy:
- Speaking of Italy, say it with me now: TABLOID!!!
Guano Meter: 5/5 – no decent sourcing, dude is nearly 27, Arsenal name. Nope.
Nico Williams
- Well, we’ve had a juicy start with Neto, why not the 1-2 punch? Nico Williams is busy making defenders look silly for Athletic Bilbao in La Liga
- He’s really damn good, and interestingly a pretty similar statistical profile to Neto (with maybe a bit more dribbling and less passing)
- He has a brother who’s also pretty good. How about a two-for-one deal? Anyone? Bueller?
- All the links here are pretty tenuous, with Dean Jones, self-proclaimed “transfer insider” saying we are interested. Well, duh
- Lots of other clubs are also interested. Well, duh
Guano Meter: 4/5 – look, I’m sure we’re interested, but there just isn’t enough decent sourcing here. He’ll probably go to Arsenal (damn it).
Viktor Djukanovic
- 20 year-old winger at Hammarby in the Swedish league. Hmmm
- Definitely more of a flyer than the first two; one for the future rather than an immediate starter
- Wait, he has 11 goals in 16 90’s? Is the Swedish League’s defense just really, really bad or something?
- Johan Lange was namedropped in the links. He really has… feelings… for Sweden, doesn’t he?
- The rumors come from Fotboll Direkt, which as far as I can tell seems like a decent source for Swedish transfer rumors – but it’s early days, and we normally like more broad sourcing
Guano Meter: 4/5 – Tottenham SwedeSpur? Who says no?
Arda Guler
- Young, Turkish attacking midfielder, currently at Real Madrid. They’d apparently like to get him some minutes
- He’s barely played in La Liga, with barely half an hour under his belt
- His record in the Turkish League before arriving at the Spanish giants, however, was quite impressive: 7 G+A in 11 starts
- This one is all about the promise; but Real Madrid think he’s promising as well, so they’re only offering a loan – doesn’t really seem like something we would do
- Wait, what’s the source? OK Diario? OK Rubbishio (shut up, I’m a dad, I’m allowed this)
Guano Meter: 5/5 – Bare-bones sourcing, a player who is more promise than product at a European giant, with only a loan on the table? Don’t think so, somehow.
Boris Mamuzah Lum
- OK, so a couple of the above are doubtful as to whether they would slot well into the first-team squad; this guy is definitely one for the future at 16 years-old
- He’s a defensive midfielder at Hertha Berlin, but is yet to make any appearances beyond the U19 level
- His name’s Boris? I really hope his goal celebration is throwing his arms in the air and declaring he is invincible
- BILD says we really like him, among other clubs – and he apparently even came and visited the club late last year!
- He was reportedly at the 3-1 victory over Bournemouth – how could he not want to play for us after that?
Guano Meter: 3/5 – some okay sourcing, but age profile means we’re pretty much just looking for ideas for youth prospects right now and we all know that’s a crapshoot.
Well, there you have it. They say to always leave your audience wanting more, and boy, do we have more for you. But that will have to wait until our next installment. Welcome to Bat Country.