good morning!
I’ve been debating whether or not to do this hoddle because I don’t really want to talk too much about my running struggles. I’d go so far as to call this more of an “admission”. But because I’ve hoddled a handful of times before about my various running achievements, I think it’s a worthwile idea to explore the other side of that.
In the 10 or so years I’ve been running, I don’t think I’ve had as prolonged stretch of this plateau I’ve hit. And I’m not quite sure what it is or what the fix is. I’ve tried rest, running less, running easier, running harder, drinking more water, cutting back on alcohol, eating better, eating at certain times, running just for fun, doing different things at the gym.
But none of those have worked. So I’m not sure what the fix is.
It first hit me around March/April when I was training for a couple half marathons. I was doing pretty great in my training and felt confident about running it in less than 95 minutes. I ran 12 miles in 1:24.00 and felt pretty darn good.
And then a couple of days before the first half marathon – BAM. Absolute exhaustion. Overtraining? Outside stress? Maybe yes to both.
Either way – I didn’t run either of them. And I shut down any dreams of running another full marathon this autumn.
A couple months ago I ran a 10K, seemed harmless enough. I finished it in a little under 42 minutes, but still I didn’t feel quite right.
Since then I’ve sort of plunged into this whole crisis of confidence. I start and end most runs full of self doubt.
I try not to compare myself to how I was before, but it’s tough. I finished my eight-mile run about four minutes slower than I did before this funk, although I try to be generous with myself given this scorching summer.
Still, with another half marathon potentially just five weeks out, I wonder if I can run the distance. A solid half marathon in autumn could be a good springboard for a spring full marasthon.
Like many runs lately, that one ended with me full of doubt. I felt tired earlier than normal, and the run up Capitol Hill hurt more than I should be conditioned to.
I don’t think people fully appreciate what they see when they see someone during a marathon (or another race, I guess) or after they complete it. Sure, they see the accomplishment and it’s easy to get swept up in it.
What they fail to see are these kinds of moments. The periods of self doubt, struck of confidence, but still tying your shoelaces and running anyhow. Much of it is alone (I prefer it that way). Every now and then I’ll wave to another runner.
They don’t see the solitary moments where it’s just the runner faced with that self-doubt, trying to bat it away for as long as they can. Sometimes that battle is only a minute, other times it can last the majority of an eight-mile run. Not only that, their body is pretty tired too.
It’s also what makes running the most compelling sport. Because, unless you’re like Tamarit Tola, you’re only running against yourself. Just a bunch of average people doing remarkable things.
So here’s your hoddle. The real-time thoughts of someone who’s run for 10 years, completed three marathons, many other races, and logged countless miles over hundreds of hours.
Wavering whether or not I am going to be able to work myself up to the condition I want to run the half marathon the way I want to – which I secretly know is a barometer for a near-future full marathon.
I really don’t know right now.
——
So about 30 minutes passed between those thoughts and these thoughts.
Maybe I was struggling with the ideas of ‘confidence’ and ‘courage’ because I do think running these kinds of races (or any race depending on fitness) is a courageous thing to do.
Sure, I’ll admit to lacking the confidence tonight. But the hope is that it’ll grow over the next handful of weeks.
I try to visualise my training calendar. I’ll have to cut back on some foods, definitely alcohol. Stretch more during the day. Sleep better (and maybe end the hoddle earlier in the eve).
With a little discipline, I think I’ll be ready by the time I line up on race day next month.
I fill out my registration information on the page and hover over the confirmation button for just a moment.
As I do before all my long runs, I first take a deep breath. And then exhale.
Fitzie’s track of the day: Running Up The Hill, by Meg Meyers
And now for your links:
Jack P-B ($$): Emerson Royal the latest victim of Tottenham’s ‘managerial churn’
Alasdair Gold on Tottenham’s ‘big transfer problem’
Long read: ‘The loss and loneliness of the unemployed football manager’
