OK fam, real talk — I wrote most of these words last night, everything except for the theme which I was still thinking about. But today was a treatment day and I’m both typing and thinking 50% slower than usual, so I’m phoning it in so that at least you have the ratings to argue about. The theme is “random numbers given without context.” Why? I don’t have to explain myself to you, you’re not my mom!
Here are your player ratings to the theme of random numbers, given without context. Imma go lie down now.
5 stars: 63
No Tottenham players were quite this good.
4 stars: -7
Radu Dragusin (Community — 4.0): Radu doesn’t have the raw pace of Micky van de Ven, so it made sense to swap him and Cuti so he can play on his preferred side. That said, I was very impressed with Radu’s defensive awareness and the way he utilized his unique skills to Tottenham’s benefit. A very good match, and he deserves to play more.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 3.0): Quite possibly Spurs’ best player on the day. I’m particularly impressed not only with his steadiness in midfield, but his progressive passing which unlocked a lot of doors on Sunday. Picked up a yellow and Spurs’ spell of dominance faded after his sub.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 3.0): IDK y’all, I think he got most of it right on Sunday, and made effective changes when needed. Spurs were the better side on Sunday and got football’d. It happens. I still prefer this to sufferball.
3.5 stars √2
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): This feels unfairly low even to me — I don’t think he was responsible for either Newcastle goal as much as the system itself let the club down, and he was pretty solid at the back otherwise. Also headed in an offside goal. I thought he was good!
Pape Sarr (Community — 3.0): Busied himself around quite a bit and had a couple of fizzing long shots saved, but picked up a cheap yellow, wasn’t the right choice for this match, and Poch realized it. Thought he played well, but a tactical shift was needed.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.5): Flapped a bit at corners and a couple characteristically weird moments playing out the back but also made a couple of quality stops. Why are people so worried about him? He’s fine!
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.5): You know what, while we still think Brennan with the ball at his feet is basically the briefcase full of jellybeans tweet, he put in a number of good crosses into the box that weren’t converted because nobody made the near-post run. Get Solanke in there and we’re cooking. Had one play where he deftly controlled a pass with his foot only to then Pavlyuchenko it over the bar. Better as a sub than a starter.
3 stars: ∞ + 1
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): Not his most impactful match, but he did rifle a few long range shots that were regrettably off target. Needed more from him offensively against a bunkered Toon.
James Maddison (Community — 3.0): Pretty solid match on the whole. Tested Nick Pope on a couple of occasions but failed to successfully press Joelinton in the lead-up to Newcastle’s match winner.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.0): A tale of two halves. Ineffective as a false nine in the first half, but key to Tottenham’s 30 minute period of dominance in the second. 3 stars seems fair.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.0): Frustrated a bit in possession by an overly defensive Newcastle, but created a few chances from crosses and cutbacks.
2.5 stars: 3
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.5): I’m going to put this performance down to fitness and lack of a preseason, but Destiny has not looked like the same player from last season. Not as dynamic a presence and faded badly in the second half.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 3.0): Maybe I’m being too harsh on a talented young guy but his decision-making was lacking in this one and he seemed to disappear too often in the final third. He’s playing like the young player he is right now.
2 stars: Eleventy-jillion and six
Timo Werner (Community — 2.5): I really thought he could unlock Newcastle’s defense when he came on as a second half sub. He really, really did not.
1 star: F—k you, there’s your number
No Tottenham players were as bad as numbers. Screw your numbers.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Rodrigo Bentancur (but he was pretty bad), Lucas Bergvall
