Hi, folks! Tottenham Hotspur won a London Derby — comfortably — against West Ham! Is that allowed? I didn’t think that was allowed. But it sure was fun!
That match featured some fantastic performances by many Tottenham Hotspur players and I’m sure we’ll take this emphatic win evenly and with composure without leaping to grand conclusions just like we did the loss against Brighton, right?
Anyway, here’s a theme I’ve been holding onto for a while, and now’s as good a time as any to pull it out. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Songs with Unintelligible Lyrics. I’m sure you have other, maybe better examples, so put them in the comments!
5 stars: “Louie, Louie” — The Kingsmen
The original unintelligible song, that didn’t prevent it from being a total early 1960s bop. I assume the lyrics mean something. I don’t know what it is, nor do I especially care. It rules.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.5): It’s getting harder and harder to argue with the conclusion that this is Deki’s team and the offense both revolves around and relies on him for effective offensive conversion. Just another solid match
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.5): It’s amazing what Son can do when rested and healthy, even when he’s on the wrong side of 30. Scored one, and effectively scored a second though it was given as a Alphonse Areola own goal. Looked dangerous on the counter and in space. Lovely to see. Welcome back, king.
4.5 stars: “Informer” — Snow
A mid-1990s hit (I specifically remember this being played at my prom after-party my senior year of high school), I still have no idea what Snow says beyond “Informer” and “a-licky boom-boom down” and frankly, that’s all I need to know. I still find it odd that a guy who looks like an accounting student at a Ohio Valley Conference college managed to become a pop star.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 4.0): I might be overrating Big Dom a bit here, after all he didn’t score, but he did a ton of really good work in the press and in and around the box. Basically facilitated Deki’s goal in the first half and is proving again why Ange Postecoglou wanted him so badly. He fits this Spurs team like a glove.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.5): Who says Big Ange is dogmatic and inflexible? Made a dramatic tactical change taking off Maddison at halftime and it paid off. Knew how and when to make tweaks and subs, and set his team up well to see off a well-organized West Ham side.
4 stars: anything by Bob Dylan post-1990
Seriously, I think there’s a point where you could get a dog howling into a microphone and it’d be more intelligible than late-stage Bob Dylan.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): Made a couple of incredible saves against Mohamed Kudus on the rare times West Ham was an offensive threat. Plus he absolutely rocked that ball-cap, Tony Pulis style.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 4.0): Solid defensive performance and got on the scoresheet with a lovely goal.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.5): Didn’t get his seventh goal in as many matches, but came awfully, awfully close and again looked like Spurs’ primary goal threat in the first half.
Pape Sarr (Community — 4.0): Honestly, I had a hard time figuring out what Spurs were doing differently after Sarr came in at halftime to make such a difference, but whatever it was it worked. Sarr’s got a fantastic engine and put it to good use in a deeper midfield position, which helped muck up midfield and opened up the attackers going forward. Had a lovely line-splitting ball to free up Son for his counterattacking goal. Also got “Kudus’d” which contributed to the red card. Solid match.
3.5 stars: “Send Me On My Way” — Rusted Root
I don’t know who the lead singer of Rusted Root is, but as one anonymous Redditer put it, “he sings in doctor’s handwriting.” I would like to… reach out my hand, oblesayeau, obltellyoutorun, obledysayobledayahn
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): Flashed a couple of powerful shots at goal and did some good work going forward in a pretty decent overall display. Continues to develop his relationship with Brennan Johnson on the right side.
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.5): No major mistakes this time, a steadying, stabilizing performance in the back line. Also a calming presence in the late scuffle that resulted in Kudus’ sending off. Good to see.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 4.0): A more subdued performance than some we’ve seen from him but he did well in defense and had a couple of meandering runs forward with the ball.
3 stars: “Yellow Ledbetter” — Pearl Jam
Seriously, there’s a compelling song in here somewhere, but Eddie Vedder has clearly just had jaw surgery just before recording or his mouth is sealed by Laffy Taffy or… something. What the hell?
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.5): Not really sure what to do with Destiny. Had a fairly pedestrian (if not at times poor) first half, but stuck to a more traditional fullback role and improved his performance in the second half. But he also got an assist for a lovely ball to Bissouma. He’s having a weird year.
James Maddison (Community — 3.5): Madders made more news for being hooked at halftime than for anything he did on the pitch. I don’t think he was bad, but maybe just the wrong fit against this particular West Ham team. He did play in Deki for his first half goal, though.
Timo Werner (Community — 2.5): Mostly anonymous, but Spurs were already up big when he came on, and I wouldn’t say he was particularly poor, even if he did Timo a decent headed chance. Honestly for me it makes him even more endearing.
2 stars: “Smells like Teen Spirit” — Nirvana
It’s one thing for Kurt Cobain to murmur lyrics. It’s other thing when he also writes those same lyrics and they don’t make a goddamn lick of sense even when you’re reading them.
No players in this category.
1 star: “Chop Suey” — System of a Down
I mean…
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as trying to understand Chop Suey by System of a Down.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Richarlison, Rodrigo Bentancur, Archie Gray
