We have a Premier League XI of non-starters who cost well over £300m this summer, including a pair of Man Utd benchwarmers…
GOALKEEPER: Filip Jorgensen (Chelsea, £20.7m)
“We talk about Chelsea and the money they’ve spent and where they still need things…they need a new goalkeeper if they’re going to get back to where they want to be,” said Jamie Carragher as he lambasted the ‘scared’ Robert Sanchez for his attempts to stop Liverpool on Sunday.
The truth is that Chelsea have already spent a few quid on Villarreal’s first-choice goalkeeper Filip Jorgensen, who has so far only been trusted in the Carabao Cup and Conference League. His excellence against Servette in particular started a few blue drums banging.
RIGHT-BACK: Archie Gray (Tottenham, £35m)
The most expensive English teenager in Premier League history is yet to start a game of Premier League football. Though Pedro Porro having an excellent start to the season does not help his cause.
“I thought Archie was brilliant today, we asked him to play in two different positions and it’s incredible how he just adjusts and he’s able to bring his game to wherever he put him,” said Ange Postecoglou after a win over Ferencvaros, but Gray remains in the Carabao Cup and Europa League shadow XI, playing at right-back, centre-back and in central midfield.
CENTRE-BACK: Jake O’Brien (Everton, £16.4m)
“Jake’s been very patient, he’s going to have to be because he’s got three very, very good centre-halves, very experienced centre-halves there,” said Sean Dyche, infuriating Everton fans who have grown rather tired of watching Michael Keane toil away alongside the excellent James Tarkowski.
With Jarrad Branthwaite yet to return to full fitness and Everton hitting some form, the chances of O’Brien getting a Premier League start are now infinitesimally small. And O’Brien’s chances of an Irish recall are disappearing with them.
CENTRE-BACK: Dean Huijsen (Bournemouth, £12.6m)
“To have Chris Wood fighting with you, fighting for the areas, for every cross, I think he defended really well,” said Andoni Iraola after Huijsen’s opening-day debut v Nottingham Forest. “With the ball, we know that he has the composure, the calm, even strange for someone that is 19.”
So it was perhaps a little strange that Huijsen was promptly dropped and only returned to the Cherries’ starting line-up for a chastening 90 minutes v Liverpool from which he is yet to recover. Marcos Senesi and Ilya Zabarnyi are safe for now.
LEFT-BACK: Ian Maatsen (Aston Villa, £37.5m)
Had Aston Villa’s start to the season not been so exemplary, more questions would be asked about why a £37.5m player is getting only a handful of minutes for his new club just a few months after playing in an actual Champions League final.
Maatsen has come off the bench seven times in the Premier League but cannot shift Lucas Digne, with his only Villa starts thus far coming in the Carabao Cup and Champions League. He called the situation “a bit difficult” a month ago, so 3.7 billion pennies for his thoughts now.
CENTRAL MIDFIELD: Manuel Ugarte (Manchester United, £42m)
Erik ten Hag rather awkwardly told Ugarte he was at United to provide the “fight”, but over two months after his arrival from PSG, the Chilean midfielder has started one game in which he was absolutely rotten: The 3-0 mauling by Tottenham. There has been no fight.
Since then, he has watched Kobbie Mainoo, Christian Eriksen and Casemiro all start in his stead as United have recovered to put together a largely unconvincing three-match unbeaten run. By early October he was said to be “unhappy” and “regretting” his transfer. It’s gone really quite badly.
CENTRAL MIDIELD: Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall (Chelsea, £30m)
Weird one, this. The assumption was that Enzo Maresca had brought one of his trusted lieutenants to Chelsea and that he would play. In reality, Chelsea have spent £30m for Maresca to give his first-choice midfielders a rest in the Conference League.
“We need to understand that Kiernan was the main player at Leicester. He arrived here now and he’s not the main player, now he’s one of the players. For him, and any player in the world, you need to adapt mentally,” said Maresca, hinting that perhaps Dewsbury-Hall has not adapted quite as well as expected.
Such is Dewsbury-Hall’s low standing at Chelsea, he has played fewer Premier League minutes than Reece James, who has been fit enough to play for exactly 53 minutes.
RIGHT WING: Pedro Neto (Chelsea, £51.4m)
“Pedro Neto came on and added a lot, he has probably pushed himself into a big chance of starting the next game. I think he should,” said Frank Lampard after watching the Portuguese winger make an impact off the bench against Liverpool after Jadon Sancho toiled during 45 very forgettable minutes.
With Noni Madueke sewing up Chelsea’s right side and Cole Palmer claiming the middle, it’s actually on the left where Neto has a chance of establishing himself. So far there have been just two Premier League starts and a goal for Chelsea’s shadow squad in the Conference League.
ATTACKING MIDFIELD: Fabio Carvalho (Brentford, £27.5m)
You know the #gamesgone when Brentford can drop £27.5m on a player and he cannot get in the starting XI.
“I was very pleased with what I saw from him; a great goal, a great assist. He’s growing into what I thought he would bring to us,” said Thomas Frank after Carvalho shone in the Carabao Cup against Leyton Orient. That earned him back-to-back Premier League starts but then he was relegated back to the bench, restricted to a role as Kevin Schade’s back-up. And nobody wants to be Kevin Schade’s back-up.
LEFT WING: Crysencio Summerville (West Ham, £25m)
“The slow integration of Crysencio Summerville into the XI is no longer justified,” was the verdict of one journalist after seeing the Dutchman once again attempt in vain to make an impact from the bench.
Summerville has been trusted to start only one Premier League game since his arrival from Leeds, looking the brightest Hammer in a 3-0 defeat to Chelsea, but has since been restricted to 90 minutes in Carabao Cup humiliation and cameos off the bench. And you thought the days of exciting new West Ham signings being shackled was over with David Moyes’ reign.
STRIKER: Joshua Zirkzee (Manchester United, £36.5m)
It is said that the Dutchman rather regrets joining Manchester United and wants to return to Italy, which is what happens when you get hauled off after 45 minutes on your fourth Premier League start and are then replaced by Rasmus Hojlund, reduced to a ‘running around a bit’ role in the final minutes of every game.
“He’s too slow for the Premier League,” was the verdict of one former player while Paul Scholes has been wondering out loud what exactly is a Joshua Zirkzee? It’s little wonder he wants to bugger off back to Italy.
