Last night, while lying on the couch watching Pluto TV because the chemotherapy symptoms were kicking my ass and I couldn’t find the energy to move much, I caught the last 45 minutes of Star Trek: Generations, the cross-over movie intended to hand the torch over from the Kirk era to the Picard era. I remember liking this movie a lot when it came out as an 18 year old, but watching it back boy howdy was this a bang-average 1990s Star Trek film. But it did get me thinking, how the hell have I not ranked Tottenham players to Star Trek movies yet? So here I am to rectify this mistake.
Y’all, I’m a huge nerd. You know this, and it’s not the first (or even fourth) time I’ve used Trek as a theme. Maybe it’s a weird time to do it since there hasn’t been a Trek movie since 2016, there are no forthcoming movies in the pipeline, and the franchise is in a bit of a state of flux at the moment, but dammit it’s my blog and sometimes it’s just good to write what you know. So that’s what we’re doing.
Here are your Tottenham player ratings to the theme of Star Trek movies. As always, there are too many movies for the available categories so you’re getting a representative sample.
5 stars: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
I mean, it was always going to be this, right? Of course it was. WoK is just a damn good action movie pitting two evenly-matched rivals against each other in space. It addressed the glaring weakness of the original Star Trek film (grandiose but boring and overly intellectual) by bringing back a back a classic and fantastically charismatic villain, had some incredibly tense starship battle sequences, plus resulted in some some incredibly meaningful consequences in the literal death of Spock. It’s not just the best Trek movie, it’s a damn good movie in general terms.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 4.5): Used his speed well on numerous occasions to cut out dangerous Everton counters, and defended well. Haven’t seen a box-to-box run with the ball that good since Sonny vs. Burnley. Wonderful stuff.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.5): Fine, I’ll take my medicine for asking if Son was cooked last week (though at age 32 it’s still a valid question). I’ve got thick skin and can take it. Two goals from three shots and 1.1 xG on his own is a pretty fantastic haul against a Dycheball side, and picking Pickford’s pocket for his second ruled.
4.5 stars: Star Trek: First Contact
A surprise? It shoudn’t be. The Next Generation’s film offerings were all over the place, but it was never better than in First Contact, a film both about the Borg and the founding of the Federation. Time travel is an overused trope in Trek, but it’s done very effectively here. The acting is also as good as you’ll get in Trek, with standout performances from Alfre Woodard, James Cromwell, and a (seriously buff) Patrick Stewart who for the first time is forced to really deal with the trauma he experienced by being temporarily assimilated by the Borg in “Best of Both Worlds.” This is a Picard-centric movie, but there’s a good balance between Stewart and the supporting cast, all of which get a chance to shine. Just a fun, well-executed sci-fi film.
Cuti Romero (Community — 4.5): Cuti had a weird and somewhat rocky first half with a couple of direct giveaways and somewhat relaxed play out of the back, but was imperious in the second half, set up Maddison a couple of times with deep passing, and added a thumping headed goal off the bar. Not a perfect performance but a very very good one.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.5): Much, much better. Shifted the starting lineup with Solanke out — a brave, if necessary decision — and used his subs early and effectively. Does he read this blog? (He doesn’t read this blog)
4 stars: Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
The last ride for the original series cast, I’ve always felt this movie was a little underrated. It brings back the Klingons as villains in a big way (Christopher Plummer!), forces Kirk and the rest of the cast to acknowledge and deal with their advancing age (and the death of Kirk’s son), and even brings back Sulu and the Excelsior, something I wish we had a lot more of in that era of Trek. A fitting, high-energy way to round out the TOS era of Trek.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 4.0): Welcome back, buddy. Fired a thunderbastard of a shot off the underside of the bar to put Spurs up and put in a very disciplined defensive performance in his first match of the season. Also notably more progressive with his passing, with several good and long balls forward.
Pedro Porro (Community — 4.0): One of Spurs’ strongest performers against Leicester and had another very good match on Saturday. Superb defending on the day and while not as effective from the wing did have a shot saved.
James Maddison (Community — 4.0): Another strong creative performance from a free-8 position with a second assist in two matches. He’s looking solid, and it’s lovely to see. Could’ve done better with his goal attempt in space, but hard to criticize him too much for this match.
3.5 stars: Star Trek (2009)
If you’re going to create an entirely separate universe and reimagine TOS with a fresher, younger cast, you damn well better make it fun. And shockingly, J.J. Abrams did just that, lens flares and all. I thought the Kelvin Universe idea was brilliant, even if they did hedge by including Leonard Nemoy as elderly time-traveling Spock. The freedom to take things in a new direction while adhering to the general strokes of existing Trek canon resulted in an exciting and entertaining Trek film, even if it pissed off some of the fans of the original series. Shame he never made a Trek movie better than this one.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.5): Worked well in combination with Odobert on the left side. Still not as dynamic as I remember him but he looks like he’s starting to round back into form.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.0): Not a ton to do in this one as Everton were pretty hapless but did have a couple of good saves. Still looks a little hesitant on corners but at least he didn’t have to scream at any youngsters this match.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.0): A solid performance, worked well in tight spaces and opened up the midfield with his movement. But it does feel like no matter where he’s supposed to play he always ends up playing as a right midfielder.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 4.0): My word, is Wilson saucy! Dynamic and dribbly, he looked like the real deal. Was let down by his end product in and around the box, but you can certainly see why Tottenham were so keen to bring him in and he worked well with Udogie. I’d like to see what he does on the right with a healthy Solanke.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.0): Not an extensive highlight reel but used his speed effectively and had a couple of very nice defensive moments late.
3 stars: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
I know Trek fans who absolutely love this movie and for good reasons. I’ve never found it to be THAT compelling. Another time-travel romp back to California in the 1980s where the cast has to Save the Whales (!!) so they can communicate with a visiting space probe that threatens to destroy the planet in the future is the epitome of the Environmental Theme Movies™ that popped up over and over again in that decade. Sorry, but it’s corny. That said, the cast clearly had a hell of a lot of fun in this one and there are some genuinely great moments of comedy, while Shatner chews scenery like a maniac. It’s fun. I get while people like it. I maintain that in the context of the entire series, it’s merely FINE.
Richarlison (Community — 3.0): I was hoping to see more from him but at this point just getting meaningful match minutes is important, and he had some good moments in and around Everton’s box.
Pape Sarr (Community — 3.0): Was mostly just a decent midfield presence at a time when Spurs had already taken their foot off the gas.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): I’m still a little nervous relying on Archie too much right now as a six, but unlike in preseason he didn’t look out of place and was tidy enough with the ball.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.0): Didn’t do a ton, didn’t HAVE to do a ton. Snapped nicely into a few tackles, continues to learn on the job.
2.5 stars: Star Trek: Generations
I referenced it in the opening paragraphs, but Generations — the passing of the torch from TOS to TNG in the film franchise — just doesn’t hold up that well 30 years later. It’s not a surprise, I suppose and there are some super fun set pieces (including the crash-landing and destruction of the Enterprise-D), but the entire premise felt more like a way to let angry Trek fans say goodbye to Shatner’s Kirk in a way that ended up being kinda hackneyed. At least Malcolm MacDowell got to chew scenery and upstage Shatner. Supposedly the original cut of the film had MacDowell killing Kirk by shooting him in the back, and I maintain that’d have been a much more appropriate way for Kirk to exit this mortal coil than what ended up in the final film.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.0): OK yes, he had some good defensive contributions, but that’s not why he’s in this Spurs team! A couple of small moments going forward but otherwise quiet and passive. Had one moment where he was in a good position to finish off a (bad) Odobert cross. I don’t hate BJ, and think he’s a good option as a late game sub, but he’s now had two lackluster matches in a row as a starter and I’d like to see Odobert start in his place.
2 stars: Star Trek: Insurrection
I don’t think I’ve ever been as sadly disappointed with a Star Trek film as I was with this one after leaving the theater. There are movies I hate more (see below!) but this one just made me sad. The movie was basically an expanded Next Generation episode, which in theory isn’t a bad thing, but the central concept was that of a *middling* TNG episode, not one of the tense, compelling ones that you remember so well. In fact, I honestly have a hard time remembering what it’s about, except something about the Prime Directive, a Starfleet admiral wanting to exploit natural resources, flying the Enterprise via joystick, and Data having a floating butt. I would’ve had a much better time watching an expanded movie version of something like “Cause & Effect,” “Yesterday’s Enterprise,” or even “Schisms” than… whatever this was.
1 star: Star Trek: Into Darkness
You thought I was going to go with Star Trek V, the one where they meet “God,” didn’t you? Nope! That movie sucked, but this one was even worse. J.J. Abrams had an incredible opportunity to take the Kelvin Universe Trek into uncharted waters and just do whatever the hell he wanted that was fun and cool — that’s the whole point of alternate universes! Instead he concocted and made the dumbest, most asinine attempt at remaking Wrath of Khan possible. There were a lot of ill-advised attempts to hide the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch was actually Khan (when it was obvious from the beginning) plus equally ridiculous attempts to make Spock into an action hero. The reverse-death scene where (spoiler) Kirk dies saving the world instead of Spock was just awful and dumb. I’m convinced this movie set the franchise back years.
No Tottenham players were as bad as Star Trek: Into Darkness
