The Scrooges will say it’s too early to be talking Christmas, but it’s just snowed, we’re set for wall-to-wall football between now and the big day with no more international breaks and if the kids want anything from Santa they will be compiling their lists if they haven’t done so already.
But what do Premier League fans want for Christmas? Or before Christmas? OK, we realise the format doesn’t quite work as likely none of these wishes will come true on Christmas Day. But we were feeling festive. Blame the snow.
This is what we reckon will be near the top of the wish-lists for the fans of each Premier League club between now and Christmas.
By the way, bear in mind that just like your/my daughter can’t have a pony, Leicester can’t have six wins from six.
Arsenal: Martin Odegaard fixes everything
While we’re sure Odegaard didn’t exactly enjoy Arsenal being a bit sh*t in his absence, he must be feeling pretty good about himself right now. If Bukayo Saka didn’t do something, neither did Arsenal. And it didn’t take opposition teams at all long to work out that if you let Gabriel Martinelli or Leandro Trossard have the ball, there’s rarely any danger.
Odegaard changes everything, as illustrated by his wonderful assist for Martinelli on his return against Chelsea. He wasn’t at his best in the game as a whole but no other Arsenal player even sees that pass and there’s a very real possibility – because there’s very little evidence to the contrary – that all Arsenal need in order to be good is for their captain to be fit and firing.
Aston Villa: Two Champions League wins
Villa will still have Monaco (A) and Celtic (H) to play after Christmas, but they can have automatic qualification done and dusted this side of the festivities if they beat Juventus (H) and RB Leipzig (A), which would be lovely because of the prospect of more Champions League football but also because we suspect there would be quite the noise at Villa Park during and after a win over the Old Lady, and similarly jubilant celebrations in Red Bull Arena.
Bournemouth: No transfer interest
We’re not quite sure what the best method would be to prevent January transfer interest in Antoine Semenyo and Milos Kerkez. Serious injuries would be a shame, but just how big an issue would there need to be to keep the wolves from the door? Pulling a hammy? Maybe they could just be a bit sh*t for the next couple of months? We realise neither option is ideal.
Brentford: Tottenham win games
We understand it will feel weird to celebrate the successes of a London rival, particularly one that you’re level on points with right now, but if Tottenham don’t win then Ange Postecoglou is going to be sacked and who will Daniel Levy be looking at to replace him? Graham Potter’s the favourite but is surely just too on the nose. Thomas Frank must be near the top of the Spurs shortlist.
Brighton: Champions League dreams alive
We’ve tipped them to be in the mix because a) they’ve played more top-half teams than anyone else, b) they’ve won more points against top half teams than anyone else, and c) they are currently in the mix, level on points with Chelsea and Arsenal.
Chelsea: The Real Reece James
Enzo Maresca gave him a bit of a bollocking for being a rubbish captain. He always looked like a weirdly timid choice for the role in any case. That’s not anywhere near as concerning as his poor form on his return from injury, which led to him being dropped for the Arsenal game.
Not ideal to be playing someone with his pace, power and delivery at left-back where he can’t really use any of those best qualities effectively. Might we suggest an excellent right-back plays at right-back?
Crystal Palace: Oliver Glasner remains
Steve Parish is a very patient man, to a fault some Palace fans may argue. But we very much doubt he’s going to stand idly by should Palace remain in the relegation zone for much longer. Glasner still being in charge by Christmas will mean wins, and hopefully, the return of some of the football we so enjoyed watching last term.
Everton: Get taken over
They’ve been treading water for a long, long time and we’re all getting very bored of pretty much everything to do with Everton.
Fulham: Ticket price cuts
Fulham are charging between £150-160 for tickets in the Riverside Stand for their game against Arsenal on December 8 and will continue to charge that much because if they’re filling the seats at that price, why would they change? Because they’re feeling Christmassy, maybe? We won’t hold our breath.
Ipswich: A big home scalp
That was quite the win over Tottenham but they’re yet to win at Portman Road on their return to the Premier League and the bigger the win the better. They welcome Manchester United on Sunday in Ruben Amorim’s first game in charge.
Leicester: Clean sheets
The Foxes had scored in every Premier League game before the 3-0 defeat to Manchester United but are where they are because they’ve only kept one clean sheet.
Liverpool: New contracts signed
Liverpool being a bit f*cked if they lose any, two or all of Trent Alexander-Arnold, Mohamed Salah or Virgil Van Dijk in the summer is just about the only thing everyone else has to hold in an otherwise irritatingly wonderful world for Reds fans right now.
New contracts for them and our one remaining pleasure would be in imagining how p*ssed off Jurgen Klopp is at how easy Arne Slot is making things look. Plenty of mileage in that though, to be fair.
READ MORE: Trent, Son, Amad and 16 other Premier League players out of contract in 2025
Manchester City: A Rodri solution
Pep Guardiola’s agreed an extension, meaning he will be heading what will need to be quite an extensive rebuild at Manchester City, but his first port of call is very clearly to find a solution to the Rodri-shaped hole in the middle of his team.
We thought he may have come up with some genius solution by now – putting Bernardo Silva there or some such nonsensical wizardry – and maybe we’re about to be wowed after he’s had time to ruminate over the international break. Signing a new Rodri in January would also work.
Manchester United: Fun under Amorim
The new system will be fascinating, as will the new manager bounce and the rate of what we assume will be widespread improvement among certain members of the squad who had all but given up under Erik ten Hag. But it’s the “fun” that we’re most looking forward to.
We wonder whether the United players, upon hearing that Amorim aims to bring “fun” back to the club, suddenly realised that they had all been miserable for the last decade. It certainly seems like that from the outside, with the fans also typically enduring games from the stands.
READ: Amorim takes his place on New Man Utd Manager Giddiness Index we just invented
Newcastle: Bruno Guimaraes isn’t the Rodri solution
Call us cynical, but we reckon the best way for Bruno Guimaraes to show “respect” to Newcastle would have been not to disclose a private conversation with Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola, in which “I praised his work, he praised my work”.
Guardiola previously described the Brazilian as “an exceptional holding midfielder”. Oh dear.
Nottingham Forest: Chris Wood injury free
Let’s be honest, no one expects Forest to keep this up and most assume the defeat to Newcastle was the start of a steady slide down the table to lower-mid-table mediocrity.
That may well still happen if Wood stays fit, but if he doesn’t it surely will. His goals have been worth eight points to them so far this season.
Southampton: Russell Martin intervention
Someone needs to grab him by the lapels, slap his chiseled face and ensure him that if Southampton continue to play in this manner they are going to be relegated.
Tottenham: Beat Manchester United
Big Ange “always wins things in his second year” and we suspect after years of trolling the Spurs fans would also quite like to bag a gong, particularly as that trolling would be far worse this year after their manager’s ill-advised promise.
The Carabao Cup is first up and they’ll be in the semi-finals if they beat Manchester United next month.
West Ham: Lopetegui sacked
We feel sorry for any West Ham fan that paid actual money to go and watch the 0-0 draw with Everton at the London Stadium and it’s becoming more laughable by the game that David Moyes was sacked over his style of football and replaced by a coach who seems to do very similar things, just worse.
Wolves: Help for Matheus Cunha
The Brazilian has been brilliant, but needs a hand from the other supposed playmakers, who have been misfiring behind Jorgen Strand Larsen. Hang Hee-chan’s been injured but was no great shakes before that, while you could count the notable contributions of Pablo Sarabia, Jean-Ricner Bellegarde and Goncalo Guedes on one hand.
