Written by kirsikka
Once upon a time, a young man cutting his teeth in the brutal world of football management was handed a poisoned chalice. He was in charge of a team dear to his heart who were on the brink of relegation from League 2 and extinction. He quaffed that murderous drink with relish and battled with everything he had to turn things around. The tale later had a happy ending, especially after the Russian fairy godfather joined the events.
And yet, looking back on those storybook years, it still feels like the most impressive achievement of that young man was in his first full season in charge. He had a ragtag squad of disparate individuals he mostly didn’t recruit whilst The Evil EFL insisted on a transfer ban, even refusing to sanction the signing of a player willing to play for free, the heroic half-brother.
Dirty Dozen style, that young man fashioned them into a team that caused upset after upset and created success that stuck in the craw of the league officials.
With such a small squad and no chance for reinforcements, there were matches where we started with four of five players out of position because there was simply nobody else available. Central midfielder Anton Robinson starting at right back seemed like the work of a desperate mad genius.
And that young manager dragged that team to results, promotion and for me, no matter what happened later, his greatest achievement in charge of AFC Bournemouth.
The thing about fairytales is, they don’t get sequels. Right?
Step forward Andoni Iraola and his Spanish folk tale of magic and mayhem, where endeavour, teamwork and a dash of chaos prove a match for much greater riches. Disney are currently desperately trying to find a version written down somewhere 150 years ago so they can adapt it to screen without paying royalties.
True, there’s no Evil EFL at work. Instead, we have the carefully constructed structure of the PL designed to prevent upstarts from upsetting the poisoned apple cart, ensuring all the success remains concentrated in the corpulent and bloated cadavers of what were once great football clubs and are now merely marketing brands. Far more insidious.
Today, the insane injury and unavailable list left the man at the heart of our story having to start a central midfielder as a right back, along with numerous other tactical sacrifices.
It was all starting to sound a little familiar.
And, like many sequels, it even featured a returning character who had switched sides.
Last Legs XI v Well Rested XX. Unbeaten in 10 v 9 straight wins. Andoni Iraola v Eddie Howe. Fairytale 2 (tbc) v Fairytale 1. AFCB v Newcastle.
Go.
There’s no point discussing the starting team since the keeper question has been answered and we only had ten fit outfield players. It was exactly who you expected, with Dango again the makeshift striker and Cook at fullback.
Man of the match against NewcastleKluivert
Christie
Dango
Kerkez
Huijsen
Brooks
Cook
Semenyo
Someone else
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There are matches in which you see a team set the tone for what is to come, and that’s what we did. We hit them like a machine designed by George Stephenson from the first second. Fast, powerful and relentless.
I watched and immediately thought its impossible for us to keep this up for 90 minutes, even if we had proper subs to bring on. With nobody, the game plan must be to trigger occasional assaults and presses.
Let me tell you now, I know nothing.
Semenyo had already blazed over with the goal gaping after a good Dango flick was well saved when the first came. I can state strongly enough how good the build up play was here. Don’t only watch it on the highlights, find the full match and watch the complete move.
Down the left side of their area we prodded and probed but nothing came so we went back and forth with short passes until the ball was nearer the halfway line and Semenyo made a run into the channel made available by the extra space. Christie then slid in a perfectly weighted pass and he shaped to cross from the byline but instead sold everyone a dummy with a clever cut back to Kluivert. He placed his shot perfectly in the far corner of the goal.
What a start! I’ll say once more: go and watch that whole thing back. It was glorious.
Newcastle then committed the cardinal sin when playing against an AI team. They should have tried to take the sting out of the game, move us around from side to side and tire us out in a frustrating manner. Then move in for the kill later when we flagged.
Instead, they wanted to fight fire with fire and so the match became a frenetic and aggressive end-to-end press-fest. If that was the instruction from EH he ballsed up massively.
There was plenty of niggle, with Adams and Bruno regularly clashing. The former put in strong challenges on either side of the line and the latter collapsed every time someone had the temerity to try and tackle him.
This brought a strange approach from the ref.
Somehow he managed to annoy both teams by setting the bar for a yellow card much higher than I think we’ve seen in any other match this season but, at the same time, the bar for a free kick to Newcastle (not to us though) as basically someone breathing in the same postcode as their players, Bruno especially.
It made for an odd combination and I’ll need to give it more thought in calmer times when my blood isn’t racing nineteen to the dozen.
No doubt their fans will moan endlessly about it but some of those free kicks were embarrassing and, after the record they have of absolute bullshit penalties and disallowed goals in their favour against us in recent seasons they take a hike to Byker Grove for all I care.
Whilst both teams approached the match with no quarter given, one of the big differences for me was they were concerned with trying to win cheap free kicks and yellow cards. When fouled, the AFCB players carried on fighting for the ball and sometimes came out on top even after playing on, which opened up breaks.
That’s a word you can use to describe so much of what we saw from our team out there today. Fight. We were tenacious in chasing and battling for everything and gave up on nothing.
The Newcastle equaliser from a corner and we were a touch weak defensively. Zabs was watching Game of Thrones extra Dan Burn, but standing on top of Bruno with Christie in behind him to take over. When The Mountain made his run, Zabs followed him but Christie wasn’t able to step forward for the handover quick enough as the ball came perfectly for Bruno to head home. Frustrating.
As time ticked on the first half, the press came to the rescue as the instigator of our second. The human answer to the perpetual motion question, Christie forced an error; Dango cleared up the loose ball and played in Kluivert, who confidently slotted home.
There was still time for things to nearly boil over as a poor Brooks challenge was followed by one of the ugliest hacks you’ll ever see from Joelinton in retribution on Kluivert. Things boiled over with that somehow being parlayed into Kluivert also being booked, along with the two foul offenders.
I’d like to see the Joelinton one again since the one replay I saw made it look horrible and I was expecting to see VAR flash up “Checking for a ref card”, but yellow it was.
One more added-time chance before the whistle blew for the break saw an excellent Kepa save. Phew.
Breathless stuff. A deserved halftime lead on the back of one of the most hard-working forty-five minutes you’ll see. With nobody to come on, I was wondering how AI would change things to sit in a bit since this locomotive was surely going to run out of coal before the game finished.
Remember when I said I know nothing? Make mine a double.
We came out snarling, forcing them back onto their haunches, clearly surprised by the irrepressible animal in front of them.
Meanwhile, Bruno continued in his tactic of trying to win cheap free kicks and kept getting them. It was like he thought he was playing for a prime Pulis team but they continually wasted the set pieces.
How do I describe what happened next? Chaos feels like I’m underplaying it. Pandemonium maybe. Brooks and Dango broke down the right and then… everything happened. It had the lot. Shots saved, the ball hit the post, I think it was also cleared off the line before finally coming back in again to Dango who slotted home.
If ever there’s a man on the planet who has angered the gods of VAR it’s DO. Yet again, his effort was chalked off. This time correctly since the ball did just about go out of play for a corner at one point in the mayhem but… it feels almost boorish to once again snatch a goal from his grasp.
Ok, it was the right decision this time yet this was the team who got the ridiculous VAR transgression to deny a last-minute winner in the reverse match. The VAR team owed us one. And no, I’m not being serious but I was still annoyed.
As the fresh legs of their subs started to file on whilst we had nobody I was waiting for our energy levels to collapse and that slender lead looked vulnerable. In some respects it did but Newcastle were an absolute mess at the back and I think that kept extra energy in our legs. Every time we won the ball and broke we looked dangerous which gave us hope of a third.
A Semenyo cross saw a Brooks flick look like it was going to spin into goal at the far post only for a full stretch last ditch finger tip flick from the keeper to keep it out. So close.
I did start to worry we would see a repeat of the Chelsea match as a few free kicks were given away in dangerous positions late on. And yet, as Jarvis Cocker once said “You’ve got to wait for the best…”
Injury time and we’re still pressing high as Adams intercepted a pass and got it to Kluivert outside the area. He turned, sized up the goal and absolutely gamooshed it into the net. The first member of the Kluivert Extended Universe to score a hattrick at St James Park, and what a way to get it.
Jebbison was now on and, to give him his due, he added pace and energy. He used it to create a chance for himself breaking clean through but couldn’t quite lift it over the keeper to finish the job. Still, promising stuff.
The match was now like an Ariston advert, only instead of on and on, it was end to end to end to end to end…
Not having created that much in the second period Newcastle suddenly fashioned a chance which Kepa saved brilliantly only to be outdone by a goalline clearance from Huijsen to get the follow up away. Astonishing.
With the game stretched beyond the realms of even what Stretch Armstrong could handle, another break saw the ball played to Kerkez. He burst into the area, gave it a stepover and lashed it into the far corner. Delirium.
AI brought on Rees-Dottin for a PL debut and Winterburn for another sub appearance. 30 seconds of joy for them. Hey, it is Saturday night and that sounds like a good number to me.
Insane. What a performance. What a win. We weren’t just running on empty out there, we set the whole bloody engine on fire to get more out and the result was more than deserved.
Incredible.
Deep breath everyone. I don’t know about you but my heart rate is still putting in crazy numbers over half an hour after the match finished.
Selected Player Watch
Note: There wasn’t a single bad performance out there today. I’ve picked a few but I could have picked any of them.
—– Cook —–
Out of position and up against one of the most dangerous wingers in the PL, he simply got on with it. Even the couple of times Gordon got away didn’t faze him as he reset and went again. I’m not sure Gordon will have a tougher matchup this season. For a guy playing out of position, it was remarkable.
—– Christie —–
I’ve had to dig deep to find the right word here and I’ve come back with indefatigable. He simply never stopped. If the world is looking for limitless clean energy, couldn’t we try and harness him somehow?
—– Adams —–
The Newcastle midfield engine room is the core reactor for their usual success. He chucked a giant spanner into it today and let it blow. By a million miles his best performance in an AFCB shirt. I reckon Bruno and Joelinton will have an Adams shaped bogeyman stalking them in their nightmares for weeks to come.
—– Kluivert —–
You can’t ignore the hattrick man who was ruthlessly efficient with his finishing today but also ran around like man possessed harrying them. When he had his foot on the ball, he was also clever with short passes and movement that constantly caused problems.
—– Huijsen —–
Who do you give the credit to for keeping Isak, the PL man in form, as quiet as a church mouse all day? No doubt it was a team effort but I have to say the young Spaniard was everywhere. Superb.
AI and Tactics Watch
First up I’ll say I agreed with his team selection. That’s about the only place where I can put myself alongside him today and given it was because there were no choices to be made it doesn’t say a lot.
To take that starting team and essentially tell them “Step into that breach. Nobody’s coming to help you. Oh, and don’t just try and stop them. Instead, go after them and destroy them” and somehow get the players to not only believe it but execute it is… help me, what’s the word? Preposterous? Staggering? I’ll settle for inconceivable.
I think I need to go and take a cold shower to try and calm my body down. I can’t speak for anyone else but the reaction I’m having to that is visceral.
This team is honestly starting to make me emotional. Every time I think they can’t possibly keep going they somehow dig even further into the well and produce something special. It’s spine-tingling stuff.
And it’s all driven by a tactical mastermind who deserves plaudits on top of plaudits.
I’ve already said my piece on the need for recruitment so I won’t go over that ground again. Nod to Jebbison who doesn’t look totally out of place in his cameo ten minute appearances. Still, I’ll no doubt be refreshing the transfer news sites like a maniac all week long.
Well done to those who travelled to watch. You regularly came over loud and proud, outsinging a stadium full of fans who pride themselves as being amongst the best.
Enjoy it, everyone. Enjoy the result. Enjoy looking at the table. Enjoy the feeling. Enjoy the anticipation. Enjoy these days. Because they’re special.
Oh, and about Fairytale 2… seems like it’s still on.
Wow.
Your say…
northstandmark
Firstly, wow.
Secondly trying to add a comment. Dare I say was there a touch of arrogance from Newcastle today? At full strength and on a huge run, there is no earthly reason why they shouldn’t have gotten at us more. Kept up with our pace and created more. So many poor sloppy tired passes from them that were food and drink to our press. It was as if they expected the game to turn their way without actually working for it.
The final word has to be for us though. It is remarkable what Iraola is able to get out of these players. From the players, we know we are excellent and are playing far more than they should. To the fringe players and youngsters who are coming in and displaying levels above what anyone would think of them. – To join the conversation, please click here.
