What a game! Tottenham Hotspur won their ninth match in their last 11 played on Sunday, riding a second half wave to four goals and a come-from-behind 4-1 victory over Villain Matty Cash and Aston Villa Football Club. It’s fun when Ange-Ball hits its potential and Tottenham soccer balls go goal and
Cartilage Free Captain has a “no electoral politics” rule that has served it very well for a long, long time. I suppose I’m toeing the line a bit here with this theme, but it’s also Election Day, and that’s significant. We’re not going to talk about the election here (something that will be ruthlessly enforced today, you’ve been warned), but it feels appropriate to have a theme that’s about something uniquely American and that can bring us all together in a time of extreme partisan division.
So here goes: I think that if there’s one thing most Americans can agree on it’s that the Star-Spangled Banner, the United States’ national anthem, is a trash song. It’s long, boring, and stupidly hard to sing, with an octave and a half range. The tune is “To Anacreon in Heaven,” a Colonial-era drinking song, and the lyrics, taken from a poem about the bombardment of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812, glorify conflict and violence.
We can do so much better.
So on Election Day, here are my Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of songs that would make a much better American national anthem than the one we’ve got. Carty Free is a big tent, so put your (carefully selected) song ideas in the comments. Musical takes are welcome, partisan political takes are not.
1 billion stars: America the Beautiful
Look, let’s just come out and say it — this is The Choice. It’s a lovely tune, lyrics that speak to the aesthetic loveliness of the American land, and it’s in a key people can actually sing. I’m putting it here because there are so many other options and I just want to acknowledge that, yes, this is the best one and probably always will be. For today’s example, you get Ray Charles.
Erik Lamela (Community — n/a): Wait, Erik Lamela doesn’t even play for Tottenham anymore, why does he get a billion stars? Answer: because he does, f—k you.
5 stars: “Hail, Columbia!”
Did you know that America had a different, unofficial national anthem from 1789 to 1931? It’s true! Hail Columbia was the closest thing this country had to an official anthem until Herbert Hoover bowed to public pressure to codify “Star-Spangled Banner.” Hail Columbia is still the official anthem of the Vice President of the United States, but if you ask me, this is a much more “anthemy” anthem than our current one. Can’t you hear this being played over the tannoys during the Olympics, or before USMNT takes the pitch during the World Cup? I sure can.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 4.5): A little leggy in the first half but Spurs’ best player on the day in the second. Can run for days, was excellent on both sides of the ball, racing across the midfield to both cut out and set up attacks. Outstanding. That performance perfectly encapsulates Sarr’s potential and is a reminder of just how young a player he is.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 4.5): It was shaping up to be one of those matches where Solanke does all the hard work in the press and off the ball but doesn’t end up with much attacking output… and then he went and scored a brace. That second goal — chipping Emi Martinez — was outstanding and he fully deserves the accolades today.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.5): What can I say? Big Ange got it right. The CFC chat was skeptical about the midfield’s lack of passing and it was a big call to trust Sarr in the box to box role, but he nailed it, and Ange’s subs were all impactful and good.
4.5 stars: “Battle Hymn of the Republic”
OK, I know it’s a war song, but I chose this song this high stars for two reasons. First, this version repurposes the original tune, “John Brown’s Body,” a Civil War marching song that celebrates Civil War-era abolitionist and anti-slavery icon John Brown, something that feels like a worthy platform on which to build a national anthem. And second — this is a Tottenham Hotspur blog.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 4.0): Much better. You do worry about Radu in the high line due to his (comparative) lack of pace compared to Van de Ven, but he is a capable on the ball defender as he showed yesterday. Solid work against a very good Villa team.
4 stars: “Fanfare for the Common Man” (Aaron Copland)
A triumph of American musical exceptionalism, Copland’s “Fanfare” is one of the most recognizable pieces of American classical music ever composed. It is rousing, glorious, hopeful, and while it’s not short, it’s captivating. It also has no lyrics, so we don’t have to worry about bad pop stars improvising on it and screwing it up before sporting events — just put on this recording of Bernstein conducting the NY Phil and call it good.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): Saw a lot of stupid, lazy takes blaming him for Villa’s only goal when he actually did well to get free and make an instinctive close-range save of what was potentially an own goal. Can he improve? Yes. Was he at fault for that goal? No. Did he play well on Sunday? Yes.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.0): Looked to be well in his element in this match, though he struggled to make an impact (along with the rest of the team) in the first half. Still Tottenham’s most important player on the season, which is wild. His ball to set up Solanke was exceptional.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 4.0): For a while there looked like it was another of THOSE matches for BJ before he made one of those trademark back post runs and was in the right position to tap in Sonny’s cross. Did a lot of running in this match, a lot of it fruitless, but was in the right spot at the right time to make an impact and had a role in a lot of Spurs’ buildup play.
Richarlison (Community — 4.0): Set up Solanke and injured his hamstring in the process. Normally he wouldn’t get a rating due to minutes played here but that assist was spectacular and also I feel so damn sorry for the pigeon, I hope his drumstick heals quickly.
James Maddison (Community — 4.0): I’m not sure I’ve seen many Tottenham free kick goals that were better than Madders’ on Sunday. Gareth Bale, probably. Maybe Christian Eriksen. Certainly not Harry Kane, lol.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 4.0): Came in and immediately stabilized the midfield, adding defensive structure and reinforcing the spine that was potentially shaky after Romero’s substitution.
Ben Davies (Community — 4.0): Honestly, I have been so pleasantly surprised by Davies’ defensive play over the past two games. He’s not flashy, but he’s been very, very solid and has proven himself to be a guy you want to have around, even if he doesn’t play much.
3.5 stars: “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”
A glorious, sweeping musical work — slow, stately, and singable, it has the ability to rouse even the most curmudgeonly heart. It’s also uniquely American and definitely has nothing to do with any other nation, composed out of whole United States cloth to be a patriotic American anthem; nobody can take that away from us. Look at all that patriotic imagery in the above video, how can you possibly dispute its divinely American providence? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.5): Looked to be picking up his head a little more in this match and was more impactful going forward than I’ve seen from him in a while. I do worry about his fitness considering how many matches he’s played consecutively, though.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.0): Looked to be shaking off the rust in the first half. Was settling into a lovely spell of play before being hooked at the hour mark in a planned substitution. His cross to Johnson at the back post was incredible.
3 stars: “This Land is Your Land” (Woody Guthrie)
I love this song. It’s way more patriotic than a lot of the other songs on this list, and it perfectly encapsulates why American citizens love America. It’s been mooted as a replacement national anthem for decades, but at the core it’s just a wonderful folk song, and should probably remain so. It’s hard to mess with perfection.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 4.0): Got well stuck in during the first half to the point where he was lucky not to get carded. Did well enough, but notable that Tottenham’s spell of dominance didn’t really kick in until after he was subbed off for Bissouma.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): Not as influential going forward as we’ve come to expect but put in a solid defensive shift on Sunday. Flashed a couple of shots (well) over the bar.
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.5): One of the rare games in which he was outshone by his defensive partner, but still a solid enough defensive performance. Subbed off in the second half after picking up a knock, hopefully it’s not serious.
2.5 stars: Heavy Action (Monday Night Football Theme)
If national anthems are about bringing people of all walks of life and beliefs together for a common cause, then what better to use than one of the most recognizable sports themes of all time? I dumped the NFL for soccer years ago and even now hearing this theme makes me want to stand up and salute. Plus, there aren’t any lyrics so we can all bond as a nation while screaming out BAH-BAH-BAH BAAAAAAAAAAAH (DA DUM, DA DUM) at the top of our lungs.
No players in this category.
2 stars: Mr. Blue Sky
Look, it just slaps, okay? Plus, it continues a long tradition of appropriating the best stuff England makes for our own purposes and pretending it was ours all along.
No players in this category, and for that I say Hallelujah!
1 star: two minutes of white noise
OK, it’s not exactly inspiring, but it’s still an improvement over what we’ve got now and if nothing else will will lull over-stimulated people into a more pliable and even torpor.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as white noise, but white noise is still better than “Star-Spangled Banner.”
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Archie Gray
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Brennan Johnson — So I completely missed this when the match was happening in real time, but upon finding out I went back and watched Johnson just absolutely shithouse the crap out of Villa before Maddison’s free kick goal — eyeballing Diego Carlos just after the foul on Solanke, ambling by the Villa squad while Martinez gave instruction to his back line on a free kick, nicking his water bottle and drinking from it, pretending top clear mud from his boots by kicking the post, and subtly distracting the Villa defenders before Maddison fired it home. It’s not quite the same as faking a head injury after a light slap in the corner kick scrum or casually stepping on Cesc Fabregas’ hand, but BJ showed a little low key shithousery in this match. Well done to the lad, I didn’t think he had it in him.
